ABUSE CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME FIBROMYALGIA TO FULFILLMENT TO ART

ABUSE, FIBROMYALGIA,FULFILLMENT 

TO ART?

Chapter One

Birth To Ten.

I was born, on the 4th January 1946.  The place we 

lived was called Port Albert in New Zealand.I was born

in a 


small country town called Warkworth in New Zealand.

My parents were married November 1944 after my 


father came home from the war.

My mother was engaged to another soldier and I feel 


my father was a rebound partner.

I never knew my biological father as you will find out 

as I go on with this story.

Looking at old photographs I have, my mother was a 


farmhand and a in the Land Army during the Second 

World War. She was bought up on a farm all her life 

along with her brother who was about 10 years older 

than herself.

So she was quite masculine and I have photos of 

myself and my brother on backs of many horses. She 

was a very tough and strong woman and my father 

being a smaller man she used to embarrass him by 

lifting him up in her arms. Not nice for a man who had

 served his county in Egypt during the Second World 

War, and came home with malaria and war neurosis.

My brother Leslie was born 21 months later on the 

19th September at the same hospital.

   My parents bought a small cottage and farm and 

lived there until I was around 2 years old and my 

brother was only 3 months old. My father had been a 

city person prior to the war and had no skills in the 

area of farming. My mother knew it all.

Also my grandmother lived with us and she was a 

fierce controlling woman and had a great

control over my mother and then also my father. She 

interfered with their marriage right from the start. My 

grandmother was a tough woman and was very stern 

and I was scared of her

My grandmother or Gran as she was called had a kind

heart under her tough skin and she used to read to 

myself and my brother for hours when we were small.

                             SCREAMING FROM MY FATHERS ARMS

I was two years old and my brother was about 3 

months old when my mother took me from my 

father’s 


arms and I can still remember my screams as I was 

ripped away from him, never to see him again. I still 

cannot stand children screaming and crying due to my 

experience as a small two year old child. It haunts me

 to this day.

 Don’t tell me childhood events don’t have an overall

 effect on the rest of your life?

I was shaking all over and I sobbed on my mother’s 

skirt as she carried my three month old brother to the 

waiting car.

The car was been driven by a neighbour to take my

 mother and brother and Gran to a bus in Wellsford

, about an hour’s drive from the farm in Port Albert.

. Mrs Gillespie who drove us to the bus told me 50 

years later, had she realized what was happening she

 would never of taken us.

   I met Mrs Gillespie when I went back to New Zealand

 in 1997 and she was in a nursing home but she 

remembered me and told me the story and she was 

very sorry what had happened to myself and my

 brother. We were never seen again for a few years.

Everyone in the district did not know where we were 

going.

As a 2 year old I do not remember the bus ride but

 know we were taken to Gisborne  a town on the east 

coast of New Zealand.

My father was left behind suffering from malaria 

which he got while in the Middle East during world war

 two in 1942.

 A young Maori man found my father very ill at the 

farm and took him to the hospital for treatment. 

Those in the district were very upset with my mother 

including her brother Les.

I remember we moved around allot in the first five 

years of my life and also lived on a farm in Hastings 

New Zealand.

So I was used to being put on a horse and taken all 

over the farm as my mother worked. I sometime 

wonder if that is when the illness I have started way 

back then?

There were floods and I can remember having to leave

 the little old run down shack we lived in and taken to 

a big wool shed where we slept for a week or so until 

the floods went down. I still can remember the smell

 of the wool in the shed and still like that smell. The 

farm hands were very kind to myself and my brother 

and Gran was still with us reading us stories.

My mother was managing a small farm and had to milk

 cows morning and night and run the farm as there was

 no pensions for single mothers in those days.

   When I was about three years old and my brother 

nearly two, Leslie fell into the river and started to 

float down the river.

I ran screaming to my mother who was milking cows 

across the river. I had to run over a small plank to get 

to her.

My mother came running and she jumped into the river

 gumboots and all and it was a miracle  my brother

was saved. I was so scared at the time and didn’t

make me scared of water.

I always loved the water but my brother Les didn’t and

 that is why?

    We lived in various places from birth to five years 

old. When I was around 4 and living in Hastings New 

Zealand I was given water with fluoride added to the

 water supply. Hastings was one of the first places in

 the world where fluoride was being trialed for tooth

 decay. I  often wonder if that was the beginning of my

 battle with the chronic invisible illness called 

Fibromyalgia I suffered with all my life.?

Around the age of five we returned to Port Albert to 

live with my Uncle Les and Aunty Marge in their big 

farm house with their two children  my cousins Janet

 and John, and Gran was with us also. I went to school

 along with Janet and John as Janet was 2 years older 

than myself and John was six weeks younger. John 

and 

I were very close and that was due to the fact that 

Aunty Marge used to breast feed us both when we

 were babies and my mother didn’t have any milk for

 me. Aunty Marge gave me a good start.

It was a long bus trip from Port Albert to Wellsford 

where I went to school. But I enjoyed the country life

 on the farm and my Aunty teaching me to cook in her

 big kitchen and Gran still reading to us all, four

 children stories.

I can remember my mother going out with a man

 called Uncle Karl who use to take us on a big barge up

 the Tamaki  river near Te Hana. He had a farm there

 also and I can remember him sitting me on his 

shoulders and showing me the rainbow and that there

 was a pot of gold waiting for me at the end of the

 next hill. We never did find it. For years I thought this

 Uncle Karl was my real father.

The next thing I can remember is my mother marrying 

my step father Malcolm who was Uncle Karl’s younger 

brother. Malcolm was a scary man and I was around 4 

years old when the sexual abuse started. His first 

move on me was across the road from the house in 

Wellsford where he abused me in the bushes and was 

sworn not to tell. A small child doesn’t know this is

 wrong and I just disassociated from it all. On my 

mother’s wedding day to Malcolm I went up to him and

 said now I have a daddy and I was pushed away. I was

upset as a seven year old child.

I used to walk to school in Wellsford and as my

 mother 

worked in a Milk Bar my brother and I would call in to

 the milk bar on the way home from school and my 

mother would give us a lovely big milkshake. I used to 

look forward to those afternoons and still to this day

 love my milkshakes. I was always a sickly child and 

suffered from anything that went around and had my 

tonsils out at aged 7 and then I got Yellow Jaundice at

 the age of eight. When I was 10 and my brother 8 we 

both got so badly sun burnt we had to be carried to 

school to sit on our chairs to do our tests. It was cruel

 and I remember the pain very well. It was due to too

 much sun at the local beach where we would all go

 for fishing. I loved the ocean and the sand. I felt free 

there away from the constant sexual abuse.

My half-sister Ethel was born when I was eight years

 old and remember this bundle of joy

coming into our home and cuddling her as she used to

 suck her toe.

When I was around 10 years old we shifted to the

 north of the North Island to a few places like Ruawai

 and Dargaville. We moved around so much I went to a

 different school every year and it is all a bit of am

 blur. My mother and stepfather became share

 milkers 

looking after the farm and living in the old old 

cottages while the Land owner has his big mansion.

 One house we lived in had pigs living under it. And yes

 Gran was also still with us. One place I slept in the 

same room as Gran with a curtain in between and I

 was always so scared I would wake up and find Gran

 dead. Just a childhood fear manifested. I also 

remembering hiding from gran at the top of an big

 pine tree all day and knew I would get a beating when

 I got down and yes I did. Gran minded us while my

 mother and stepfather milked the cows and did the 

farm duties.

Due to shifting every years I never had childhood 

friends and can’t remember many names of any school

 friends. However I developed a love of sport 

especially swimming and running and by the age of 12

 years old was the Champion of the North Island in

 swimming and in running. I was being trained by one

 of the All Black footballers how to run and remember

 how he taught me how to run the right way. I loved 

the steeple chase or long g distance as called today 

and use d to run with the boys as there was no long 

distance for girls in those days. I came third with the

 boys one time. The only time I got praise from my 

mother was when she used to stand at the end of the

 athletic course and yell come on Pam. My mother did

 not cuddle me or tell me she loved me. She showed it

 by always making sure I had a nice clean warm bed 

and made me nice clothes, knitted me many jumpers

 and cardigans and was a great cook. She just did not 

know how to show her feelings emotionally. I craved

 hugs so the sexual abuse was all the touching I got.

When we lived in Ruawai I came down the hill on my 

bike and fell off and ended up in Dargaville hospital

 with my knee in a cast for a few weeks. My mother

 wasn’t coping at one time and my brother Les and I

 were sent to a health camp for 6 weeks and I hated

 it? We lived on horrible food and I hate green 

chockos  to this day. For some reason all the girls who

 were booked into this place way out in the country did

 not arrive. So there were only 3 girls in the large 

dormitory for around twenty beds. Myself another Kiwi

 white girl and a lovely Maori girl. We used to have an

 afternoon sleep every day and I can remember being 

given the strap for not sleeping. I just could not sleep 

either day or night. That was due to the sexual abuse I

 was experiencing when I was home by my stepfather 

and I just was a bad sleeper right from a small baby so

 I was told by my mother. So I may have been born 

with Fibromyalgia.?

My memory is vague at this health camp but I do 

remember feeling alone and abandoned by my mother 

and grandmother. Safe from my stepfather.

At the health camp I met a Maori man who taught me 

how to play the bones and then I went onto learn how 

to play the spoons. This made my stay here bearable. I

 still play the spoons to this day but not so good due to

 my arthritic hands.

    Shifting back to Ruawai again to another farm when

I was around 10 t0 12 years old ( I moved every year

 of my life ).always in the middle of a school year.

 Here I focused on my sports ability in running and 

swimming again and looking back it was my way to get

 away from the abuse at home. I was a dreamer and 

always waited for my biological father to come to 

save me, but he never did and my mother would not 

tell me anything about him. He was my mystery man,

 the Prince Charming to come and save me and all I

 wanted was for my daddy to come.

     We moved to a place called Rama Rama south of 

Auckland near Papakura and Pukekohe districts. When

 I was about thirteen years old. We lived in a very

 small farm house with only 2 bedrooms and my

 brother had to go through may room to a little out 

cove to his part in the room. I don’t know where my

 younger half-sister slept? My memory is very vague at

 some points mainly to disassociation an abused child’s

 coping mechanism.

The farm was a strawberry farm and I used to have to

 get up before school and chase all the birds away and

 to pick strawberries for no pocket money. I was tired

 before I even got to school. I wonder why?

   I went to Pukekohe High school and was picked by a

 school bus and it seemed a long way back and forth

 every day. At night I used to try to run around the 

small farm my way of getting away from all my 

problems. I had the passion for running and had an

 goal to train for the Olympics that was my dream. I

 tried so hard to run as fast and as far as I could. I

 didn’t do well at school due to all the moving and so

 running was what I was good at and enjoyed. The 

endorphin's making me feel wellish. (Wellish my word 

for feeling okay but never really well)

   It was while we were living at Rama Rama that my

 step father who had got swine fever a few years

 earlier and also emphysema ( being a strong 

smoker) suddenly became converted to the Seventh

 Day Adventist church and there is where my dreams 

began to fade away.He suddenly became very

religious 

in an over the top way and behaved in a terrible way 

in the name of religion. The abuse to me stopped in

 regards to the physical touching of my body but then

 the emotional and verbal abuse began. I was not

 allowed to go to sport on Saturdays so my running 

days went. I was made to go to church every Saturday 

even if I didn’t want to go I had no choice. Neither did

 my brother or sister. School was made harder as I was

 seen as a weird person with a weird religion I didn’t 

understand but was made to study the teachings of the

 Seventh Day Adventist church. I was brain washed and

 had no choice.

My stepfather would not let me listen to the 1960s

 music or anything that the ordinary teenagers at 

school were doing. I became a hermit in my own

 family inside myself. I was not allowed to have a 

fringe or wear anything that was at all feminine and

 was made to wear a dress to the water when I went 

swimming. This was so my stepfather was not excited 

by my emerging teenage body. He had to hide his

 sexual abuse and made me the scapegoat. But making

 me un sexy via my mother. He would not directly tell

 me but would have arguments with my mother and 

then she would come and tell me what and I could and

 couldn't do and I always knew it came from him. He

 didn't have the guts to tell me himself. He now was a

 forgiven man due to his new religion so it didn’t 

matter what I had suffered in the past. He though he 

was saved and forgiven, so it didn’t matter the 

damage it had done to me. Leopards don’t change 

their spots, especially a paedophile.

As I struggled through school and did not do very well,

 I was always sick catching every flu and bug that 

went 

around. I had bad periods every month rolling around 

in pain. Was always having very bad pain all over and

 especially in my right side. My parents never told me 

anything about sex or anything about the birds and the

 bees. So when I was staying overnight with a school

 friend I got my period and thought I was dying? My

 friend’s mother was so kind and explained it all to me

 and got some rags which were used in those days to 

wear. To take the flow of blood. I bleed allot making

 me very weak.

One of the not many funny things I can remember 

knew, I seemed to have small breasts, compared to

 the other girls. My mother was a very good sewer and 

I found some stuffing type material and decided to

 stuff my bathers with this and lo and behold one day

 while in the swimming pool this material went

 floating to the surface and I would not admit they 

were mine, but I knew everyone knew it was me. But 

the girls never said anything or teased me. Mind you I 

got bullied and teased most of my life at the many

 schools being the new kid at school and pug nose was

 one  name I was given due to my pointy nose which I

 disliked so much as a child and my younger years.

However today I like my nose.

My mother was a very good cook and good at sewing 

and knitting but when I tried to learn I was very 

clumsy with my hands and my mother had not

 patience with me and would grab them out of

my hands and say I was ca ck handed so I never learnt 

to cook or knit and sew. Yet my sister Ethel was 

taught all this skills. I felt so helpless and so dumb.

 Not a help to my very low self-esteem

   My life form 13 to 15 was going to church studying 

the bible and church church church. It was then I was 

again in an abusive place. Two elders at the Seventh 

Day Adventist church we attended who came from a

 well-known SDA church family and were brothers

 began to take advantage or my emerging sexuality

 and body changes. They were around ten years older 

than myself and I thought they were handsome and

 because they paid me much attention and would give

 me a hug when my stepfather and mother were not 

looking , the only reason I liked going to church was

 my crush on these two men who gave me the only 

attention I knew. (Sexual. Attention.) So I would make

 my outfits which my mother made and I would pick 

colours and designs I knew suited me and would try to

 make them shorter as I could get away with and I had

 learnt at an early age the only way to get any 

touching or affection was to be sexy. I didn’t know any

 different. No hugs at home.

As I attended the church camps I would make sure I 

was near these two men and I knew they were both 

attracted to me even though they were married men.

When I was fifteen years old I was made to leave 

school and was found a job in a cake shop in Papakura

 not  far from Rama Rama. I was still living at home

 and still having ill health with the pains in my side, so

 I had allot of time off. But the owners of the Bakery

 Mr and Mrs Nissen who came from Denmark loved me

 and gave me the much needed time off. I will always

 remember how kind they were to me. Teaching me

 how to use the money register and to add up and pack

 up cakes.

It was while after many visits to Doctors, as my

 mother was concerned about my health and tried 

everything to help me. I was suddenly made to 

become a vegetarian at aged thirteen and I remember

 one Doctor telling my mother that I needed a good

 piece of steak and my mother went and bought me 

some every now and then and would cook  it when my

 stepfather was away and I was told not  to tell

 anybody.

It was here when I worked in the cake shop that the 

two elders would come in and I will call them Guy and

 Garth. They used to flirt with me and then one day

 Garth asked me to meet him in lunch hour in his car 

and that is when the abuse and affair with him began.

 He used a minor and a vulnerable young woman who

 was broken goods already and hurting and looking for

 love and even though I went along with all this 

attention, he was the adult and should have known

 better.

So this affair went on for over 5 years on and off. At

 aged fifteen years old he would come into the Bakery

 and flirt with me along with his brother Guy who also

 knew what was going on. So the hiding in Garth's car

 and bobbing down if anyone came along as he used to

 drive me out into the country where he would have

 sex with me. One time he took me home to his house 

where in his bedroom I lay with him while his wife was

 having their second child. I know feel so bad about

 that but at the time I was a child seizing the only

 affection I knew.

  I worked at the bakery the year I was fifteen and 

when I turned sixteen I was sent to Long Burn Seventh

 Day Adventist Boarding College in Palmerston North a

 twelve hour trip from Papakura. The year I worked at

 the bakery I was often off sick with very bad pains in

 my side and finally I was diagnosed in having 4 or 5 

large gall stones. The specialist was amazed as I was

 the youngest in New Zealand at that time to have had

 gallstones at such a young age. They say it is usually

 fair ,fat and forty and I was none of those things. My

 name was put on the hospital public waiting list to 

have the operation. At least we knew what had been

 causing all the pain I had been having.

  I was made to give most of the money I earned to my

 parents to help pay for my college fees and someone 

else in the Papakura Seventh Day Adventist church 

paid the rest for my parents. I never found who it was 

but had an idea.?

I was also not allowed to choice my subjects as my 

stepfather chose then for me as he had done all 

through my school life.

   So at aged sixteen in 1962 I made the long over

 night train trip to college boarding school which I 

disliked. I seemed like I was always been sent away

 and always felt abandoned.

Arriving at college I shared a room with an older girl

 whose name I cannot remember but she came from a

 very strict SDA family like me. I did my best to not 

get homesick for the attention of Garth who I wouldn’t

 see for a year. He was my secret joy I carried in my 

heart at that time. Like the mystery of not knowing 

my biological father. I kept getting sick and on one

 occasion I was rushed to the local hospital in 

Palmerston North and saw a Dr called Dr Crisp. I told 

him I had gallstones and he looked at me and said 

“girl 

what makes you think such utter rot you are way too 

young to have them”. I just cried and said “I do have

 them”. Eventually after 3 or 4 visits to the hospital I 

was x-ray ed and yes there were the gall stones but of 

course no apology was given to me.

Here I was away from my parents and siblings in a 

strange place and hospital having a major operation to

 have the gall stones out. I was very sick with a scar

 right across my belly and the drain hurt as I can still

 remember it. So I did not do much schooling and when

 I came out of hospital I went to stay with the headmaster and his wife in his nice house next to the

 college. Of course my mother or any of my family

 came to be with me. I went through this scary 

operation all alone.

But all through this I caught the eye of a young man

 called Bryan who was attracted to me and he 

supported me allot in his way through this time.  We

 were allowed to have a night every now and then

 when a male student could ask a female student to 

have dinner with them in the dining room. Prior to that

 girls sat with girls and boys with boys. Bryan so was 

my first real boyfriend and we sat together quite a few

 times over that year. Every term most students went

 home but I had to stay and so dint get top go home in

 the 3 terms. One term when I was over my operation I

 was allowed to go to Wellington and stay with Bryan

and his mother. I really felt wanted then and was nice 

to get a break from the dormitory at college.

When I came home at the end of 1962 year with an 

added scar on my belly and full of wanting to tell 

many stories I was shut down by my step father but

 was able to tell my mother when he wasn’t around

 including my relationship with Bryan (which was non

 sexual.) My mother always sent me parcels at college

 and made me clothes and sent things when I was in

 hospital but this was always behind my stepfathers

 back so I could never write and thank her. So thanked

 her when I got home.

   I of course after a year was looking forward to

 seeing Garth again and see how he would be with me

 and yes he still was interested in me and we began 

our secret meetings when I could sneak out from my

 family. The church would have a picnic at the local 

beach on a Sunday sometimes and as I loved the water

 and swimming. I would go to the end of the jetty and 

dive off and would often find Garth secretly coming up

 behind me under the jetty and caress me. He seemed 

to enjoy doing this with his wife sitting on the shore 

line (beach). He seemed to like being bad with me. So 

I told him about Bryan and I sensed he was jealous but

 did not think any more about it until a year later. I

 was only home about two months to have my 

seventeenth birthday before I went back to college.

Birthdays and Christmases’ were never celebrated in 

my family right from aged five when my stepfather

 came into the picture. He didn’t believe in them so

 we never had birthday gifts or parties like other 

children did and we never celebrated Christmas. So I

 used to go to school and pretend what I had got as I 

felt so left out and embarrassed about being different

 to others. So I have always felt strange when given a 

gift as don’t know how to show my thanks very well.

 Another scar I carry to this day. I enjoy giving to

 others and love wrapping up gifts for my friends.

I went back to college in 1963 aged seventeen and my 

parents moved from Rama Rama to Mercer near the

 Waikato river and while living there we all got

 aluminium poisoning and the whole family was very 

sick. My stepfather was a col porter selling religious

 books for the SDA church.

My 1963 year at college was so so as I didn't do too 

well in my studies due to the interruption the year

 prior. And my stepfather was very upset with me, but

 I tried my best.

Bryan was at college and we continued our friendship

 and I thought he would be who I may marry.

However once I left college and once I turned eighteen

 in 1964 my parents were back on a farm in Mata Mata

 where I lived with them for a while, working at a 

local factory. While there I was still in contact with

 Bryan in Wellington but for some reason I told him

 about my affair with Garth and Bryan dumped me. I 

was heartbroken. Then Uncle Kirk my stepfather’s

 brother whom I always thought was my real father

 came along with his wife and young son Simon and

 asked me if Id like a holiday in Christchurch with

them. He had to go back to his big farm up north. So I

 was excited and said yes and went off with my Aunty

 Margaret and Simon to Christchurch where we did

 allot of sightseeing. We stayed at the Peoples Palace

 and I had a nice room to myself and I felt so happy 

being away from the stress of living at home. While

 we were there I met my first husband to be Tony. He

 was an Australian three years older than myself and 

was staying also at the Peoples Palace run by the 

Salvation Army. He was up with all the latest music

 and as I wasn’t allowed to listen to the radio and top

 hits did not know much about all the hits of the early

 sixties. Tony played me some and I found him

 interesting and after two weeks of seeing each other 

we exchanged addresses with each other when I left. 

Tony was working in Christchurch.

My Uncle Kirk and Aunty Margaret had an argument

 over the phone and she came to me and asked if I 

would go back to the farm to care for Simon as she 

was going to stay with her sister for a while.

So I said yes and it was Okay ed by my parents. This

 was a big mistake. I arrived on the farm and when 

Simon who was around aged ten or twelve went to bed

 it was just Uncle Kirk and I and I still was thinking he

 was my real father due to his intimate actions 

towards me? But one night I woke to find him on top of

 me in my bed and before I could kick or scream I was 

raped by him. I again disassociated myself and was

 numb yet scared. From then on I would push a big 

wardrobe against my door so he could not get in. I

 then started to plan a way of escape as I was to go to 

live in Papakura with Maureen and Gary as I had a job

 to go to in Papakura. There was a farm hand working 

on the farm and I confided in him and he got me out

 and drove me to Auckland one day when my Uncle

 went into the town for supplies.  Again another big

 mistake as he put me up in a hotel and yes he then

 had sex with me. I was a mixed up young woman 

being abused everywhere I turned. I never told anyone 

about all this for many years as I knew I would not be

 believed.

I finally arrived in Papakura around early 1965 to stay 

with my now dear friend Maureen.

    I was still in contact with Terry who was still in

 Christchurch working and I worked in a factory in 

Papakura and would baby sit Maureen’s children while

 she and her husband worked in a café they owned.

 However late at night I would feel a man in my room

 and I would pretend to be asleep as the husband

 would play with my sexual parts. Not a word was

 spoken then or ever. I just wanted to get away from 

all this horror.

   So when Tony decided to come up and get work near

 me I was so excited and soon he was living in 

Papakura and I could see him every day but still never

 told him about the life I had had so far.

I still saw Garth at church and he still gave me allot of

 attention and when I was engaged to Tony he paid my

 dentist bill. What a much needed gift. Tony and I

 decided to get married in August 1966 when I was

 twenty and he was twenty three. He was from

 Australia so had no family in New Zealand and my 

stepfather refused to give me a wedding much to my

 mother’s heartache as she wanted to make my 

wedding dress and help out. But she was under my

 stepfather’s thumb and wasn’t allowed to have

 anything to do with it. So my wedding was put 

together with the help of members of the Seventh Day

 Adventist Church and Maureen’s help. I bought a

 second hand wedding dress and Maureen altered it for

 me. I had Maureen’s adopted daughter Sharon as my

 flower girl and she was a gorgeous little Maori girl.

 Allyson mu god daughter was only two years old and

 she was also in the wedding photos along with her

 little brother Craig. I am still very close to Maureen

 and Allyson to this day. They are the oldest friends I 

have as I never had school friends due to all the

 moving as a child.

My brother Les was at the wedding as he had left the

 SDA church and I had one foot in and one out.at this 

point in time.

AUSTRALIA 1967

After our wedding Tony and I went to live on the

 North 

shore of Auckland where I worked in a printing factory 

and Tony had some sort of shoe designer job. as that 

was his trade

In 1967 Tony’s sister in law passed away giving birth to

 her second child and Tony’s mother wanted him back

 in Sydney Australia. So we packed up and left New

 Zealand and I landed in a country where I knew no

 one except my in-laws. We lived with Tony’s parents

 for a while and I met his brother Jack who had just

 lost his wife and had a small baby and a young two

 year old daughter to bring up. This was being done by

 his sister Barbara who was minding the two girls.

When I arrived in Sydney from New Zealand I could not

 believe how big the city was and how hot the weather

 was. I had never experience all of this so was quite a

 culture shock to a young twenty year old who had

 been bought up a sheltered religious life. I had my first alcoholic drink and saw my first poker machines and pub life, counter meals and pub meals. I worked in various factories as we seemed to move a fair bit while I was in Sydney. It was then I was told Tony was in trouble with the police for false pretences and was in trouble with them somehow. I never really understood why we moved from flat to flat. Again I was on the move. Yet we always managed to catch up with Tony’s family and go to family meals and met at the pub. I could not believe my mother in law would sit at those darn poker machines and put through all her pay every week. I enjoyed the music as there was always entertainment and I would put five dollars in and that was for my entertainment and would leave empty handed or a small amount for my five dollars. Once I won quite allot but I still walked away with my winnings something my mother in law could not do.

    Terry was friends with a man who I learnt was a 

very much wanted con man and over the years I 

would 

see him on television over the years being wanted for

 one scam or another. One day I can remember Terry

 and this man would have me sitting down cutting out

 kangaroo skins to make post cards and it was one idea

 after another and they would disappear for days and

 leave me alone. What they were doing I would find 

out later. I was alone in a strange city in a strange

 country with a husband who wasn’t supporting me in

 any way.

KINGS CROSS  SYDNEY NSW 1967 1968

One day the pair disappeared and after a few weeks I 

realized Terry was gone and not coming back.

I was alone and felt I couldn’t turn to my in-laws or 

his brother and sister. I found out Terry was in New 

Zealand as he was in trouble with the Australian Police

 and went to New Zealand to escape being caught for

 false pretences. I was distraught and alone and I was

 having many pains all over my body and very very 

tired all the time. All I wanted to do was rest and at

 aged 21 just couldn’t seem to keep up with others my

 own age. I struggled to keep my job in a printing

 factory and eventually it all got the better of me. I

 had lost contact with my mother in New Zealand and

 went into a depression. I took and over dose of 

sleeping tablets and woke up in Gladesville hospital in

 Sydney.

I was in a ward with others with mental illness and 

began treatment with a Dr John Castro who was a 

treat psychologist and he would have me come into his

 office every day for so called therapy.

He soon found out my history and that I had no one to

 care for once I was discharged from the hospital. He

 began to make sexual advance to me and eventually 

had sex with me in his hospital office. I was drugged

 up with various medications. This monster took 

advantage of me being  very naive and used it to his

 benefit. He made up some long lost relative to get me

 out of the hospital and he set me up in a hotel in

 Kings Cross Sydney Australia. I was his little mistress

 and he was around the age of fifty at the time. He 

would walk with me up Kings Cross and if I admired

 something in the shop windows the next day it would

 appear as a gift in my hotel room. I was waited on

 and could have whatever I wanted to eat and every

 day he would come and have sex with me. I felt

 trapped and at the same time felt sort of safe as had

 someone who cared for me even though I would shut 

my yes and cringe at his sexual advances. After about 

a month I was told by Dr John he had found an 

apartment closer to his Chemist shop he owned in

 Kings Cross as he was also an pharmacist. He said it 

would be cheaper for him and I then had my own bed

 sitter room in a large building with about ten other

 bed sitters in there. I needed 3 keys to get to my 

room so I felt quite safe there.

The room consisted of a bed, lounge, TV, small

 kitchen and bathroom. I go to see my first lot of

 television alone and then during the day John took me

 to the Chemist and taught me how to sell and how to

 use the cash register and soon I was also his shop

 assistant. I enjoyed working in the Chemist shop as

 loved to try out the makeup and the perfumes and

 then sell them. I would get a nice pat on the back and

 praise for making such a good sale. I was not allowed

 to wear makeup growing up so I made up for it by 

learning all about skin care and women’s cosmetic’s. I

 was very naive in the beginning as the chemist shop

 was very close to many brothels which I never knew

 what they were or anything about prostitution but I 

learnt fast. The girls would come in for condoms and I

 had to learn what they were and then they would say 

can I have a packet of condoms and when I have had a

 bang I will pay you back. I soon learnt what that 

meant and would have the girl’s names down in a 

special book and after an hour they would come in and

 pay for their goods. I couldn't believe it. I used to ask

 questions and I think John used to enjoy my nativity

 and enjoyed explaining to me what various sexual 

words meant and acts were to me. John was very 

protective of me and would not let the pimps near me

 as they tried on many occasions to get him to put me

 in as a prostitute. I am so thankful I wasn't made to 

do that. John would enjoy walking up the Cross with

 me and made me hold his arm and he was very well

 known by all in the Cross. He took me to many strip 

shows and to Le Girls and I couldn't quite understand

 how all these beautiful woman dancing were actually 

men.

I found that hard to fathom. Also when transvestites

 would come into the shop I was often heard

 whispering to John. Is that a man or a woman and he

 would get great joy in telling me and told me to look

 at their hands and you could then tell they were men

 by their shape and larger hands. So I became a hand 

watcher. John took me to see Hair the musical when it

 opened in the Cross around 1968 and I loved the show

 that I went alone a few times later and would end up

 on the stage dancing my heart out. I found my joy of

 the sixties music and loved the dancing and found I

 had good rhythm as had never danced before. John

 began to let me walk up the Cross on my own as long

 as I was back in a certain time. There were no mobile

 phone then but he always seemed to know where I

 was. I used to walk the Cross day and night and I felt

 protected as it seemed I was known as Johns girl and

 not to touch me. I used to sit day and evenings near

 the fountain and watch the pigeons and fed them. I 

would look at the people passing by and wonder who 

they were and where they were going. Since then my

 fear of being alone in strange places never bothered

 me. Hence the various events further on in my life 

where I went and what I did, things others would

 criticize me for.it?

My sense of danger was disassociated from me during

 this time in Kings Cross and stayed with me for most

 of my life. I knew no better and my body just 

followed that numb feeling where as others would be

 terrified.

  I began to grow up in the Cross and John showed me

 how to dress like a lady and then like a tart depending

 on his mood. There used to be a strange man called

Joe who used to come into the shop quite often and he

 and John would talk together in private and I would 

notice John would give Joe something. I found out 

later he was giving Joe drugs. Joe was a small man

 with a scar above his mouth and always wore and 

cape and I found him a little scary. I found out later 

he was an underworld guy and was also a hit man. He 

would say to John “I will be away for a week or so as I

 have a job to do, then I will be back”. I began to 

know that job was a murder somewhere? I just again 

coped with my fear by disassociating myself and 

looking down on the situation like it was a dream and

 that is how I coped all my life.  So I was quite scared 

of this Joe guy.

One day I had had an argument with John about

 something I can’t remember may have been flirting

 with another man or made him cross with me in some

 way. John went for a walk up the Cross and left me

 alone in the shop as he had often done now trusting

 me with selling. I was in the back of the shop when

 suddenly Joe came up behind me with a gun between 

my back ribs. He said if you don’t keep John happy I

 will find your husband Tony and kill him? He also said 

he knew where Tony and his friend were? I was

 terrified and said yes yes I will keep John happy and

 was made not to tell John what had just happened? 

Johns wife used to visit the Chemist shop occasionally 

and knew me as the new shop assistant and so she did

 not know I was her husband’s little mistress. I really 

felt trapped again as had been talking about Tony to

 John and Joe must of overheard as I was wondering 

where he was and what he was doing and in my heart I

 still loved my husband but I couldn't find him and now

 certainly wasn’t the time to do that just after I had

 been threatened by Joe. Over the time I was there in

 the Cross as Johns mistress he would at various times

 give me a tablet and say take that it would do you

 good. I would not dare say no and thought it was

 some type of vitamin and after I would take it had

 various side effects. Sometimes I would loose a few

 days and sometimes I would feel very sexual. So I still

 do not know what kind of drugs he was giving me.

 John just  how to keep me hooked into him and

 reliant on him. He would take me to his Psychology 

Clinic where he taught me how to test children and

 adults for colour blindness.

I would feel so proud when marking the results and

 giving them to John and tell him who were colour 

blind and who weren't and I was always right. John

 would praise me and say I would of made a good 

doctor. So the praise and spoiling me along with the

 sexual abuse went hand in hand. I began to dislike the

 sexual part as being a big overweight Greek man with 

garlic breath I began to feel repulsed sexually by him

 but I knew I had to play the game to keep him happy

 so did so with gritted teeth and pretended I enjoyed

 everything?

   One night I was asleep in my apartment I was woken

 up by Joe again with his pistol. How did he get

 through the three doors to me? I lay petrified as he

 questioned me about the keys to the drug cupboard? 

He wanted to know if I had them and I had to say I was

 never given the keys to that cupboard and that they

 were always strapped to John’s waist on a long chain

. I never had a spare and I think he kept his spare key

 at his home residence? As Joe left I began to shake

 and felt real fear of this horrible little yet scary man.

 I had to keep all this to myself and couldn't tell John.

 It was then I wanted to escape and I wanted to leave.

 I gently began telling John how much I missed my

 husband

Terry and wondered where he was? Eventually John 

asked 

Joe to find out where Tony was? Within a day Joe

 came and said your husband is in Perth and will be

 crossing the Nullarbor road from Perth to Adelaide. I 

wondered how Joe knew all this and yet he was right.

 A few weeks later I found out Terry and his mate had

 been arrested and was in the Port Lincoln jail in South

 Australia. I didn't know where that was but all I knew

 it was a long way from where I was living.

 ADELAIDE SOUTH AUSTRALIA

I tried to keep myself composed and not think too 

much about Terry but behind John and Joes back I 

wrote to Terry in jail and gave him my address in Kings

 Cross. Terry replied to me and told me he would be in

jail for around six months or more. After or around 

two years of not seeing him I began to have feeling for

 my husband and wanted to see him again. I again

 gently told John and once John knew I really wanted

 to see Terry again he offered to pay for a return trip

 to Port Lincoln thinking I would come back to him in

 the Cross. Joe again came into the picture and told 

me don’t you dare let John down and make sure your

 come back. I of course said yes I would.

So sometime early 1969 I flew to Port Lincoln and

 stayed in a hotel courtesy of John to meet my

 husband again. I visited the jail and over a few days

 knew I wanted to get back with my much younger

 handsome husband and not the big fat Greek

 psychologist. I didn't tell Terry much about what had

 happened to me while we were apart and Terry just 

kept saying he would make it up to me and that he 

still loved me.

As I was in contact with John via phone I was very 

worried how I would tell him I wanted to stay in 

Adelaide and not come back to him. I also was very 

scared of hit man Joe and knew he would find me if I

 upset John. However fate took pity on me in some 

weird way. One day I phoned Johns number and got

 Johns wife on the phone. I was told John was in 

hospital with a very bad heart attack and he passed

 away a few months later. So I knew I couldn't go back

 to John and he was now being taken care of by his

 wife. I was very relieved yet still scared Joe would

 find me and was always looking over my shoulder for 

many years to come.

Terry was sent to Yatala the jail in Adelaide so I was

 able to visit him every weekend.

I got a room boarding with and elderly lady in

 Woodville on the Port road and had a job in a

 pharmaceutical ware house in Adelaide city. John had

 given me a good reference of my time in his chemist 

shop and I had a few from my factory jobs in New

 Zealand and Australia so it helped me get a foot in 

the door at the Company.


( From the next blog following this I will be referring 

to Terry as Tony for personal reasons)