My relationship with Buddy lasted for around 8 years and in 1989 he decided he wanted to go back to Cape Town to see his ill mother. I had not done much travelling up until this time. Just from New Zealand to Australia and various states in Australia. My parents came to Australia as my step father became a Seventh Day Adventist Minister so they moved many times and my mother used to pay for myself and my son Neb to go and visit which I disliked doing, but I did it for my mother.
So I arranged for Neb to be looked after by his father and being the school holidays it wouldn't affect his schooling. We planned to stay in South Africa for six weeks so I was quite excited about seeing a new country and always had an affinity with Africa. I madly packed and asked Buddy questions about what to wear and the culture so I had an idea of what to expect. We were travelling around Christmas time and were to arrive in Cape Town 2 days before Christmas.
We had to travel to Canberra for myself to get my passport and visa and then we went on to Sydney where we stayed with friends for a couple of nights and then boarded the airplane to Hong Kong.
I was tired before I had even got to Sydney and this is when I started to notice my ailments like muscle pain and fatigue and was the beginning of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia.
Anyway we landed in Hong Kong in the middle of the night and booked into our hotel and we decided to go out and look at the streets at night. It was hectic, people everywhere and even thought I had a bum bag on it got cut off me but luckily Buddy saw it and managed to get it back as the guy threw it after cutting it off me. I then kept my money down my chest.
The markets were nice and many things I had not seen before was very interesting and exciting. I enjoyed the lights of the city as we landed in the evening and the boats on the ocean. It was a wonderful scene for me. I saw the poverty side with sky scrappers very old with small apartments with clothes hanging outside up so high. Small children with their heads outside the windows. So I saw the rich side and the poverty side. We stayed 2 nights in our small very run down hotel but it was so we could get our transit onto Cape Town. When it came for time to leave to fly to Tia Pai airport we landed in Tia Pai and were kept in a room for hours with guards with guns watching over us. At the time we didn't know what was happening except to be told our flight to South Africa was delayed. I found out latter it was around the time of the Lochobie plane being bombed. So all aircraft's were being checked over. It was very scary and put all our connections out of order to arrive in Cape Town. We could not do anything but waited around twelve hours and finally were allowed to board South African airlines to Johannesburg. We arrived in Johannesburg and thought we had to wait another ten hours for a connection to Cape Town but we managed to get a direct flight to Cape Town but we had to sit in separate seats. By this time I was was very tired and stressed and now was concerned about meeting Buddy's family. I managed to get a little sleep but arrived in Cape Town with a bad migraine. I took my tablets and struggled to get through the day until I could get a good nights sleep.
I met his mother and sister and husband and their children who all lived together in a small two story house. It had 3 bedrooms and we had to sleep in the same room as his mother. This was very stressful for me. In Africa when someone arrives from over seas it is like the whole street and all the family pop into visit so it was so hectic with people wanting to meet this white woman from Australia. They just kept coming and going all day and into the evening. Buddy was in his element as he hadn't been back to his home land for over twenty years so he was so excited seeing all these people he hadn't seen for years. I was totally exhausted and could hardly stand at times. I just craved for some alone time to digest it all and to learn the culture so I could understand it better. We were taken out by various people and I got to see most of Cape Town. It is a beautiful City and I loved the scenery and the culture. This went on for over two weeks and we had a magnificent Christmas and I enjoyed it all.
I just kept fighting the pain and fatigue I had.
My Birthday was on the 4th of January and Buddy took me out for dinner and we had a lovely day together. The next day we went to the races and also had a great day. We went up and down the coasts and saw the seasides. It was wonderful. Then one day two friends took us for a ride around the bottom of Table Mountain and the coast. This is when the past life regression I had years back came to a realization. I will continue this in my next chapter.
Thursday 16 October 2014
Friday 19 September 2014
PAST LIFE REGRESSION
One day my Doctor asked if I would like to be regressed?
He explained it to me how it was done and I agreed.
He took me into a type of meditation and I began to regress to where I was a very small black child with tight curly hair around a year old and I was sitting in a type of terrain I had never seen before on side of a large mountain.
Not in New Zealand or in Australia. It was a type of rock formation and spikes of yellowish green growth. I could see it plainly.
It was really unreal and I still didn't know really what it meant except to know why I liked African curly hair as it felt familiar to me and very comforting.
This happened around 1983 or so. I will be telling of my trip to South Africa latter as I go on through this blog and how the pieces of this regression was put together to make sense to me.
In the mean time I just kept on doing my massage practice and being a mother to my son and taking him out to various places you take children. My son showed signs of having a gift also but he didn't want to talk about it.
He was addicted to Dr Who and Star Trek and still is today and has a massive collection of all sorts of memorabilia. I just could not understand the Science Fiction type shows so my son and myself had different tastes in TV shows we liked so it was hard to find something we enjoyed together. I did try to find an medium place in all of this but it was hard. So he would watch TV in his room and myself in mine. Looking back I now know that was wrong of me to have let that happen. I now know my son has Aspergers or that type of syndrome as he never showed affection and didn't like to be touched and it was so hard as a mother to have a child who just wouldn't bond with you. It would hurt me when other children would run up to their parents and give them a hug and Neb just never did this. If he did you could tell he didn't like it. I had so much love to give but it was never returned. The story of my life.
P.S. As this is a blog which I hope one day will become a book I apologize if I repeat myself in this blog.
He explained it to me how it was done and I agreed.
He took me into a type of meditation and I began to regress to where I was a very small black child with tight curly hair around a year old and I was sitting in a type of terrain I had never seen before on side of a large mountain.
Not in New Zealand or in Australia. It was a type of rock formation and spikes of yellowish green growth. I could see it plainly.
It was really unreal and I still didn't know really what it meant except to know why I liked African curly hair as it felt familiar to me and very comforting.
This happened around 1983 or so. I will be telling of my trip to South Africa latter as I go on through this blog and how the pieces of this regression was put together to make sense to me.
In the mean time I just kept on doing my massage practice and being a mother to my son and taking him out to various places you take children. My son showed signs of having a gift also but he didn't want to talk about it.
He was addicted to Dr Who and Star Trek and still is today and has a massive collection of all sorts of memorabilia. I just could not understand the Science Fiction type shows so my son and myself had different tastes in TV shows we liked so it was hard to find something we enjoyed together. I did try to find an medium place in all of this but it was hard. So he would watch TV in his room and myself in mine. Looking back I now know that was wrong of me to have let that happen. I now know my son has Aspergers or that type of syndrome as he never showed affection and didn't like to be touched and it was so hard as a mother to have a child who just wouldn't bond with you. It would hurt me when other children would run up to their parents and give them a hug and Neb just never did this. If he did you could tell he didn't like it. I had so much love to give but it was never returned. The story of my life.
P.S. As this is a blog which I hope one day will become a book I apologize if I repeat myself in this blog.
REINCARNATION OR NOT
I had always had a spiritual clairvoyant type experiences all my life and stayed away from religion due to my sufferings as a child of sexual abuse by so called religious people.
I was seeing an Indian elderly Doctor who knew of my history and with my experience with Buddy. One day he told me how Buddy could be going into my psychic brain as I would just suddenly go to Buddy's place and he would have a cup of coffee waiting for me and said I knew you would be coming. This happened many times. This sort of thing happened in many other ways too. I would get a sign and have to act and it always lead me to the right place at the right time. When I was massaging people in my private practice I would also get clairvoyant readings from them and this would direct the way I would massage and the way I would speak to each client. I knew I had a gift of some sort. I seemed to attract the terminally ill and was able to help them pass away in peace. A gift I just seemed to have even though I had been through so much trauma I had this gift haunting me always. Sometimes it was good and sometimes I wished I didn't have it.
This Indian Doctor knew this and encouraged my gift. One day he took me through a Past Life Regression.
I was seeing an Indian elderly Doctor who knew of my history and with my experience with Buddy. One day he told me how Buddy could be going into my psychic brain as I would just suddenly go to Buddy's place and he would have a cup of coffee waiting for me and said I knew you would be coming. This happened many times. This sort of thing happened in many other ways too. I would get a sign and have to act and it always lead me to the right place at the right time. When I was massaging people in my private practice I would also get clairvoyant readings from them and this would direct the way I would massage and the way I would speak to each client. I knew I had a gift of some sort. I seemed to attract the terminally ill and was able to help them pass away in peace. A gift I just seemed to have even though I had been through so much trauma I had this gift haunting me always. Sometimes it was good and sometimes I wished I didn't have it.
This Indian Doctor knew this and encouraged my gift. One day he took me through a Past Life Regression.
THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
I met Buddy who is and always will be the love of my life. I met him via a newspaper add. I was always looking for that man who would love me unconditionally. We had around an 8 year relationship where we lived together and then apart. It was like we couldn't live with each other nor be apart.
I had had a car accident on my way home from work so was on workers compensation and went through a tough time regarding this and had lawyers and doctors appointments and was in so much pain in my neck and back from the accident. Buddy was very kind to me and helped me through that time. He was South African and we used to go to the South African Club and I used to feel left out as being the only one who wasn't South African I found their culture and various kinds of language hard to follow. This was my problem as now not working my self esteem was at a low point.
We had horses and addgisted on acres of land near us which we leased. I loved the horses and enjoyed the daily feeding of the animals we had. We used to go to the trots as we both loved the trots. We decided to buy a mare and let her have a foal which we hoped would one day race. I couldn't ride the horses due to my accident but Buddy used to walk me around on their backs until I was well enough to have a good canter which I loved.
We had a mare who we let have a fol and when she was having the foal we stayed up all night in our car in the paddock watching her foal. It was a wonderful experience. The foal was a male and Buddy called him Spike and I called him Moonbeam ( as he was born in the moonlight). We raised Moonbeam for two years and had him ready to race as a two year old. But sadly he died of colic and Buddy spent he whole night in the shed trying to keep him alive. It was such a sad time and we both cried. I wrote a poem which I will be putting into this blog once I have finished my story.
Buddy and I had this spiritual connection and we just couldn't be together at times and at times hard to be apart. I found his curly hair so soothing and could not work out why? But latter down the track it was revealed to me in a strange way?
I will tell more of my relationship with Buddy in the next few posts.
I had had a car accident on my way home from work so was on workers compensation and went through a tough time regarding this and had lawyers and doctors appointments and was in so much pain in my neck and back from the accident. Buddy was very kind to me and helped me through that time. He was South African and we used to go to the South African Club and I used to feel left out as being the only one who wasn't South African I found their culture and various kinds of language hard to follow. This was my problem as now not working my self esteem was at a low point.
We had horses and addgisted on acres of land near us which we leased. I loved the horses and enjoyed the daily feeding of the animals we had. We used to go to the trots as we both loved the trots. We decided to buy a mare and let her have a foal which we hoped would one day race. I couldn't ride the horses due to my accident but Buddy used to walk me around on their backs until I was well enough to have a good canter which I loved.
We had a mare who we let have a fol and when she was having the foal we stayed up all night in our car in the paddock watching her foal. It was a wonderful experience. The foal was a male and Buddy called him Spike and I called him Moonbeam ( as he was born in the moonlight). We raised Moonbeam for two years and had him ready to race as a two year old. But sadly he died of colic and Buddy spent he whole night in the shed trying to keep him alive. It was such a sad time and we both cried. I wrote a poem which I will be putting into this blog once I have finished my story.
Buddy and I had this spiritual connection and we just couldn't be together at times and at times hard to be apart. I found his curly hair so soothing and could not work out why? But latter down the track it was revealed to me in a strange way?
I will tell more of my relationship with Buddy in the next few posts.
Friday 22 August 2014
MURDER SO CLOSE TO ME
As I was working all week and Neb was at his fathers weekends, I began to feel a little lonely and went back to the singles club and there I met Eddie. He seemed to be a nice person and I met his family and children. His mother was very kind to me. He was separated from his wife but not divorced and I don't think he ever got used to the idea his wife had left him and didn't want him back.
We went out to various things at the club and sometimes a dinner out. After about six months his wife began divorce proceedings and he didn't let on too much to me but I got the idea he wasn't happy with that and wanted his wife back and I was just a distraction. I couldn't see it then but looking back in hindsight I can see it he was struggling and he was also smoking weed which I didn't like and tried to discourage him from that.
One weekend the social group went on a boat cruise and Eddie didn't come. After getting home for the cruise I turned on the television and to my shock saw his car on the screen with the story he had killed his wife and tried to kill himself. I was stunned and in shock I nearly collapsed and questions going across my mind. Why? How? etc?
I had been in that car two days earlier.
This could of been myself murdered. Then feeling sad for his wife's children and her family. I didn't know what to do so decided to phone his mother who was in shock also and wanted me to come around to see her. Being the weekend and Neb was at his fathers I decided to go even though it was around ten at night. She didn't live very far from myself.
His mother was so traumatized and couldn't stop crying. I tried hard to be strong for her but inside was falling apart myself. I just battled on with all various degrees of emotions inside as I had got very fond of Eddie. But I just could not condone this behavior. What do I do? Do I support him or disown him?? I really cant remember what I did first or last. I know I supported his mother and visited Eddie a couple of times in jail but then never visited him after that as I found out he also had another woman behind my back. So that was it for me.
He only served around two and half years which was wrong and should of been life as it was premeditated, yet failed to kill himself. He tried but was saved by the paramedics.
I one day heard a knock on the door and it was Eddie he had got out of jail and came straight to me. I was stunned and only let him in as I was still close to his mother who now was very ill with cancer. I told him I was not interested in him and to go back to Karen ( the other woman). He left but he kept following me to the various singles groups I belonged to. I kept discouraging him and he soon was banned from the group. Yet he still kept following me and trying to call in.
One evening I came home and got out of my car and went to my front door when out from under the tree near my door came Karen with a brick and she smashed my head against the side of my brick home. I was again shocked and out of the corner of my eye I saw Eddie hiding under the tree watching her do this to me. I ran inside closed the door and called the police. I pressed charges and she got some type of fine and I took out a retraining order. That is why I have problems with agoraphobia at times due to being scared to come home.
Looking back I can now see why I have anxiety disorders, depression and fibromyalgia.
That was the end of Eddie but I have sometimes seen him in a certain shopping centre which I try to avoid. At this centre I was also attacked by a girl who had, had a massage with me and blamed me for her back pain. I found out later she was high on weed also just like Eddie always was.
I hope I never see either of them again.?
I did go to his mothers funeral around the same time as the above and that was the last of Eddie in my life.
We went out to various things at the club and sometimes a dinner out. After about six months his wife began divorce proceedings and he didn't let on too much to me but I got the idea he wasn't happy with that and wanted his wife back and I was just a distraction. I couldn't see it then but looking back in hindsight I can see it he was struggling and he was also smoking weed which I didn't like and tried to discourage him from that.
One weekend the social group went on a boat cruise and Eddie didn't come. After getting home for the cruise I turned on the television and to my shock saw his car on the screen with the story he had killed his wife and tried to kill himself. I was stunned and in shock I nearly collapsed and questions going across my mind. Why? How? etc?
I had been in that car two days earlier.
This could of been myself murdered. Then feeling sad for his wife's children and her family. I didn't know what to do so decided to phone his mother who was in shock also and wanted me to come around to see her. Being the weekend and Neb was at his fathers I decided to go even though it was around ten at night. She didn't live very far from myself.
His mother was so traumatized and couldn't stop crying. I tried hard to be strong for her but inside was falling apart myself. I just battled on with all various degrees of emotions inside as I had got very fond of Eddie. But I just could not condone this behavior. What do I do? Do I support him or disown him?? I really cant remember what I did first or last. I know I supported his mother and visited Eddie a couple of times in jail but then never visited him after that as I found out he also had another woman behind my back. So that was it for me.
He only served around two and half years which was wrong and should of been life as it was premeditated, yet failed to kill himself. He tried but was saved by the paramedics.
I one day heard a knock on the door and it was Eddie he had got out of jail and came straight to me. I was stunned and only let him in as I was still close to his mother who now was very ill with cancer. I told him I was not interested in him and to go back to Karen ( the other woman). He left but he kept following me to the various singles groups I belonged to. I kept discouraging him and he soon was banned from the group. Yet he still kept following me and trying to call in.
One evening I came home and got out of my car and went to my front door when out from under the tree near my door came Karen with a brick and she smashed my head against the side of my brick home. I was again shocked and out of the corner of my eye I saw Eddie hiding under the tree watching her do this to me. I ran inside closed the door and called the police. I pressed charges and she got some type of fine and I took out a retraining order. That is why I have problems with agoraphobia at times due to being scared to come home.
Looking back I can now see why I have anxiety disorders, depression and fibromyalgia.
That was the end of Eddie but I have sometimes seen him in a certain shopping centre which I try to avoid. At this centre I was also attacked by a girl who had, had a massage with me and blamed me for her back pain. I found out later she was high on weed also just like Eddie always was.
I hope I never see either of them again.?
I did go to his mothers funeral around the same time as the above and that was the last of Eddie in my life.
COMMUNITY WORK DIPLOMA HERE I COME
During 1981 and 1982 I also began doing study at Tafe to get my Diploma in Community Work which was a new course and I was selected out of many to be able to do the course. It was hard being a single Mom and studying at the same time and having left school at fifteen it was hard to over come many of the assignments I had to do etc. Being a two year course I worked so hard to complete the course and felt so proud when I graduated and walked across the Festival Centre Stage in 1982.
My best teacher who was in charge of the course was Stan Cameron-Fox who was the best teacher and mentor for me and he helped me allot. So sad he is no longer with us today. The course involved assignments, weekends camping out at various times and generally learning how to be like a social worker in the role of community. As part of my assignments I took in boys from a boys school (for boys with problems) and I would help them over a weekend. Like cooking and going out with my son as a family and generally teaching them how to live in society. I also became Coordinator at a Neighborhood House and ran various programs from self esteem to cooking and other types of home skills for men and woman. I remember painting the sign outside the Neighborhood House and feeling so proud I was part of a new house. It is still there.
While I was doing all this I was also trying to help my son who had learning problems and got him home help after school to help him and at weekends he would go to his father and grandmother and get utterly spoilt
After I graduated I got a job as a counselor with Jenny Craig who first opened in Adelaide in the 1980s. It was a crazy time as it was so popular in the USA and was now in Australia. I worked from 8am to after 10pm at night for around six months. It was so busy and I had to have Neb minded by my next door neighbor who had children and a brother around Nebs age and I thought it was good for him to be with other children. This I found out later was not to be the best thing I ever did and I pay the price every day for that now?? ( More in story to come???)
My best teacher who was in charge of the course was Stan Cameron-Fox who was the best teacher and mentor for me and he helped me allot. So sad he is no longer with us today. The course involved assignments, weekends camping out at various times and generally learning how to be like a social worker in the role of community. As part of my assignments I took in boys from a boys school (for boys with problems) and I would help them over a weekend. Like cooking and going out with my son as a family and generally teaching them how to live in society. I also became Coordinator at a Neighborhood House and ran various programs from self esteem to cooking and other types of home skills for men and woman. I remember painting the sign outside the Neighborhood House and feeling so proud I was part of a new house. It is still there.
While I was doing all this I was also trying to help my son who had learning problems and got him home help after school to help him and at weekends he would go to his father and grandmother and get utterly spoilt
After I graduated I got a job as a counselor with Jenny Craig who first opened in Adelaide in the 1980s. It was a crazy time as it was so popular in the USA and was now in Australia. I worked from 8am to after 10pm at night for around six months. It was so busy and I had to have Neb minded by my next door neighbor who had children and a brother around Nebs age and I thought it was good for him to be with other children. This I found out later was not to be the best thing I ever did and I pay the price every day for that now?? ( More in story to come???)
Sunday 10 August 2014
AUNTY DORIS , UNCLE ALLEN AND TANYA
Aunty Doris and Uncle Allen were Kevin's uncle and aunty and thought the world of Kevin and myself.
But they got more and more hurt and upset with him when we found out he had a criminal record a mile long all to do with false pretenses and fraud. This we found when he went missing for over four months. They both supported myself and Neb and had us over to dinner many a time. Aunty Doris became like a mother to me and was my constant confident until they both died in the 1990s.
I had to move on with my life and found myself in 1982 commencing the first Women's Studies group to be started in South Australia and it was a year old course. So I went off to Tafe to do this course about three days a week for one year.
I was always home when Neb came home from school as the tutorials were always over before three pm. I also began to learn remedial massage and competed the course in that along with Peristaltic massage where you used a Dr's blood pressure tool. I got really interested in natural therapies an
and felt I could use these in time to come which I did.
I began to do massage from home and could do it while Neb was also home. I seemed to attract older people but also terminally ill people. One dear man used to see me once a week and when Oliver died he had left a card in his belongings to be given to me with around $500 in it. I was in tears yet felt so special as I had helped him allot.
I met Tanya who came for massage and she worked for a very big Company. When she first came I noticed her balance was not good and she was dragging one leg. I did the treatment I knew how to help her but kept telling her she ought to go to her Doctor. Eventually she did and it was diagnosed she had Motor Neuron disease a very quick auto immune illness with no cure. Within six months she was in a wheel chair and as she only had a very elderly mother who could not look after her she was put into a hospital for terminally ill people. It was so sad and I began visiting her twice a week at the hospital to massage her and to give her some company. She relied on me as had no one else to care for her. She was around about fifty at the time. As she got so bad where she could not move and would try to keep me by her side as I could see the fear in her eyes as I left. Once she was in a position in bed she could not move anything of her body, yet her brain was functioning very well. I could understand how scary it was for her. This illness is the worst I have ever seen. It was a blessing when she passed away.
Tanya had been writing a book about women's sport in South Australia and the manuscript was always beside her bed. I always wondered if it would ever get published and if so who would do it. Many years latter I was in a book store and saw her book. A group of sports women had got it published so I felt so happy it had been achieved.
Around this time I was lonely at times as had no real friends but made new friends who were doing the women's study course which was great for me. I was asked out to a singles group so when Neb was at his fathers during the weekends I would attend these groups and met my dear friends Maggi, Laraine and Jo, who I am still close friends with today.
At one point we decided to break away from the Catholic Single group and we started up one of our own and called it North Side Singles. We had a committee and had meetings planning what and where we would have our meetings and also many house parties. This was my real introduction to alcohol and even though I really did no like it I began to drink for the effect it gave me. I met and went out with various men but no one special. I just enjoyed being involved in the club we had. We used to go way for weekends and tried to make the club a happy caring group for lonely single people. We had to try and screen people so we didn't get any unsavory people so the group was all above board and it did retain its good reputation.
Also around this time Kevin was arrested and was in jail at Yatala and requested to see me. I went a few times and decided he was not worth waiting for and finally went through divorce number three. Aunty Doris and Uncle Allen agreed and helped me through this time. I changed my name by deed poll giving me name number five.???
But they got more and more hurt and upset with him when we found out he had a criminal record a mile long all to do with false pretenses and fraud. This we found when he went missing for over four months. They both supported myself and Neb and had us over to dinner many a time. Aunty Doris became like a mother to me and was my constant confident until they both died in the 1990s.
I had to move on with my life and found myself in 1982 commencing the first Women's Studies group to be started in South Australia and it was a year old course. So I went off to Tafe to do this course about three days a week for one year.
I was always home when Neb came home from school as the tutorials were always over before three pm. I also began to learn remedial massage and competed the course in that along with Peristaltic massage where you used a Dr's blood pressure tool. I got really interested in natural therapies an
and felt I could use these in time to come which I did.
I began to do massage from home and could do it while Neb was also home. I seemed to attract older people but also terminally ill people. One dear man used to see me once a week and when Oliver died he had left a card in his belongings to be given to me with around $500 in it. I was in tears yet felt so special as I had helped him allot.
I met Tanya who came for massage and she worked for a very big Company. When she first came I noticed her balance was not good and she was dragging one leg. I did the treatment I knew how to help her but kept telling her she ought to go to her Doctor. Eventually she did and it was diagnosed she had Motor Neuron disease a very quick auto immune illness with no cure. Within six months she was in a wheel chair and as she only had a very elderly mother who could not look after her she was put into a hospital for terminally ill people. It was so sad and I began visiting her twice a week at the hospital to massage her and to give her some company. She relied on me as had no one else to care for her. She was around about fifty at the time. As she got so bad where she could not move and would try to keep me by her side as I could see the fear in her eyes as I left. Once she was in a position in bed she could not move anything of her body, yet her brain was functioning very well. I could understand how scary it was for her. This illness is the worst I have ever seen. It was a blessing when she passed away.
Tanya had been writing a book about women's sport in South Australia and the manuscript was always beside her bed. I always wondered if it would ever get published and if so who would do it. Many years latter I was in a book store and saw her book. A group of sports women had got it published so I felt so happy it had been achieved.
Around this time I was lonely at times as had no real friends but made new friends who were doing the women's study course which was great for me. I was asked out to a singles group so when Neb was at his fathers during the weekends I would attend these groups and met my dear friends Maggi, Laraine and Jo, who I am still close friends with today.
At one point we decided to break away from the Catholic Single group and we started up one of our own and called it North Side Singles. We had a committee and had meetings planning what and where we would have our meetings and also many house parties. This was my real introduction to alcohol and even though I really did no like it I began to drink for the effect it gave me. I met and went out with various men but no one special. I just enjoyed being involved in the club we had. We used to go way for weekends and tried to make the club a happy caring group for lonely single people. We had to try and screen people so we didn't get any unsavory people so the group was all above board and it did retain its good reputation.
Also around this time Kevin was arrested and was in jail at Yatala and requested to see me. I went a few times and decided he was not worth waiting for and finally went through divorce number three. Aunty Doris and Uncle Allen agreed and helped me through this time. I changed my name by deed poll giving me name number five.???
Wednesday 6 August 2014
BACK TO REALITY AS A SINGLE MOTHER.
After my mother left and I was on my own again it was sad as I felt all alone. My mother wanted me to come and live near them but I just could not take my son away from his father no matter how bad he was. I missed my own father I could not at the time do it. In hind sight I ought to have put myself first and gone and things may of been different?
As I still could not do housework due to the operation and not able to lift things for a few more weeks. I was looking in the jobs vacant in the paper and saw an advertisement for a demonstrator in Adelaide. This was to demonstrate the first Soda Stream to come to Adelaide. This was device to make your own soda drinks at home. I was lucky as I got picked to do the job in David Jones in Rundle Mall Adelaide. I enjoyed the job and enjoyed getting dressed up and strutting my stuff on the microphone and explaining and showing how this machine worked. Eddie was my boss and he was very helpful and kind to me. Where I was working was a shoe repair shop and a guy called Kevin worked there. I had not noticed him too much but one of the other workers came over and introduced him to me. It wasn't long before we formed a friendship and went to lunch together and and then somehow with in a few months he was living with me.
Up until now I only knew he was divorced and had a son called Ronnie. That his parents lived at Murray Bridge and his father was ill with emphysema. He had been living in a small flat so to come and live in my little home was comfort for him. Little did I know what I had got myself into? The relationship went fast and within 9 months we decided to get married in the Uniting Church in Gawler. I again went through the organizing of a wedding. I had my mother make my wedding dress. This was just a long beige frock nothing too stunning, but was nice. I had brides maid and flower girls in brown and we carried apricot flowers. His mother and father came to the wedding and I thought all was well.
Then little by little the truth came out. Kevin had been to jail on false pretenses and was on some sort of bond.I was shocked and angry when I found out but as usual being my nature I forgave him. Neb liked Kevin and got on well with Ronnie who used to stay with us from time to time. Kevin was a very good shoe maker and also very good with saddlery and after a few months we decided to open the first and only Shoe Repair and key cutting shop in Gawler. The shop is still there today. I feel proud to of being part of opening this kind of much needed shop. The business was going very well and we were making a good living. There were many bizarre stories Kevin would tell me which would turn out to be a lie. He was so convincing you would believe everything he said. One of his weird stories was he came home and said his father had died. I naturally send some flowers to his mother who phoned to say his father wasn't dead. But no Kevin insisted he was dead and we made a car trip to Murray Bridge and he refused to take me to the house where his mother lived and we ended up going around to the cemetery and of course not seeing a thing. I could never work out what this was all about, and still don't. Another day he came home and said he had got a contract to do all the boots for the army from Bridge water and I would be able to and pick them up and take them back. This was another convincing lie that never happened.
The business was going well but Kevin wanted a bigger space in the shopping center we were in and he wanted to start and do more saddlery work. The area we lived had many farmers and horse breeding places so I relented and we rented a bigger place. At the same time we decided to sell the very small home I owned and we bought a much bigger place at Paralowie from the South Australian Housing Trust. This meant a longer travel time to Gawler each day but was Kevin's way of keeping me out of the business as I had 2 boys to get to and from school every day. So I would only go to the shop once or twice a week as was told everything was doing well. I had been doing the books before this time but Kevin decided to handle the book work as well. I was none the wiser to know all was not well at the business. It was Kevin's grand alto ego to be a big business man. The money was coming in for groceries and the mortgage was being paid. So I became a home house wife looking after Neb and Ronnie. I at that time enjoyed being a mother and wife. Neb was getting bullied at school and I was forever having to try and sort all this out. Ronnie used to protect Neb at school. I made some more new friends and also was trying to find out what was wrong with Neb as looking back now I know he has Aspergers or some syndrome like this as he was not doing well at school and established he was also dyslexic like myself. But apart from Spelt ( an organization for children with learning difficulties.) I got no help for his problems. I took him to Dr, Psychiatrists, and special gym for his coordination and I did so much running around for him trying to get help. But in those days help was not readily available. His father was much of the problem I was told as he got spoilt each week end and came home with money, toys and what ever he wanted he got. But his father never helped in his problems. It was a hard struggle seeing my child getting bullied at school and not liking school. It was terrible and I wished we had never moved from Gawler.
Then one day I got a phone call to say Kevin had stolen a car and was now on the run. Well I got into my car and tried to stop him but I was too late. I got stopped for speeding on the way to Gawler and the police thought I was weird as I was saying I am trying to stop my husband stealing a brand new car. I got off with a small fine.
When I got to Gawler he was gone. The guy we had employed was busy mending shoes and got a surprise when I walked in with this news? Well from there on Kevin just disappeared and I was left with two children to look after and a business to run. After four months around 1981 he was not found and I had to go bankrupted and lost everything, house and all. Fortunately I was able to rent the house from the housing trust so did not have to move. The day the Bankruptcy came through I collapsed and fainted in my kitchen as it all got too much for me. Remembering I had no family to lean on or to help me.
The neighbor called a Nun in the area and she came to see me and comfort me and Clare became a good friend. I am not Catholic and was expecting a nun to arrive in her black and white, but no she came in jeans and riding a bike.
This again got my immune system went down and I was constantly in fatigue and pain. I went to Dr for help telling my story and was just put on Valium and sleeping pills.I ended up in a hospital for the mentally ill for a few weeks to recover and Ronnie had gone back to his mother and Neb was with his father. I just managed to get through one day at a time. It was tough.
Around the end of 1981 Kevin was found on Magnetic island in Queensland and was bought back to South Australia and was jailed for around one year.
.
As I still could not do housework due to the operation and not able to lift things for a few more weeks. I was looking in the jobs vacant in the paper and saw an advertisement for a demonstrator in Adelaide. This was to demonstrate the first Soda Stream to come to Adelaide. This was device to make your own soda drinks at home. I was lucky as I got picked to do the job in David Jones in Rundle Mall Adelaide. I enjoyed the job and enjoyed getting dressed up and strutting my stuff on the microphone and explaining and showing how this machine worked. Eddie was my boss and he was very helpful and kind to me. Where I was working was a shoe repair shop and a guy called Kevin worked there. I had not noticed him too much but one of the other workers came over and introduced him to me. It wasn't long before we formed a friendship and went to lunch together and and then somehow with in a few months he was living with me.
Up until now I only knew he was divorced and had a son called Ronnie. That his parents lived at Murray Bridge and his father was ill with emphysema. He had been living in a small flat so to come and live in my little home was comfort for him. Little did I know what I had got myself into? The relationship went fast and within 9 months we decided to get married in the Uniting Church in Gawler. I again went through the organizing of a wedding. I had my mother make my wedding dress. This was just a long beige frock nothing too stunning, but was nice. I had brides maid and flower girls in brown and we carried apricot flowers. His mother and father came to the wedding and I thought all was well.
Then little by little the truth came out. Kevin had been to jail on false pretenses and was on some sort of bond.I was shocked and angry when I found out but as usual being my nature I forgave him. Neb liked Kevin and got on well with Ronnie who used to stay with us from time to time. Kevin was a very good shoe maker and also very good with saddlery and after a few months we decided to open the first and only Shoe Repair and key cutting shop in Gawler. The shop is still there today. I feel proud to of being part of opening this kind of much needed shop. The business was going very well and we were making a good living. There were many bizarre stories Kevin would tell me which would turn out to be a lie. He was so convincing you would believe everything he said. One of his weird stories was he came home and said his father had died. I naturally send some flowers to his mother who phoned to say his father wasn't dead. But no Kevin insisted he was dead and we made a car trip to Murray Bridge and he refused to take me to the house where his mother lived and we ended up going around to the cemetery and of course not seeing a thing. I could never work out what this was all about, and still don't. Another day he came home and said he had got a contract to do all the boots for the army from Bridge water and I would be able to and pick them up and take them back. This was another convincing lie that never happened.
The business was going well but Kevin wanted a bigger space in the shopping center we were in and he wanted to start and do more saddlery work. The area we lived had many farmers and horse breeding places so I relented and we rented a bigger place. At the same time we decided to sell the very small home I owned and we bought a much bigger place at Paralowie from the South Australian Housing Trust. This meant a longer travel time to Gawler each day but was Kevin's way of keeping me out of the business as I had 2 boys to get to and from school every day. So I would only go to the shop once or twice a week as was told everything was doing well. I had been doing the books before this time but Kevin decided to handle the book work as well. I was none the wiser to know all was not well at the business. It was Kevin's grand alto ego to be a big business man. The money was coming in for groceries and the mortgage was being paid. So I became a home house wife looking after Neb and Ronnie. I at that time enjoyed being a mother and wife. Neb was getting bullied at school and I was forever having to try and sort all this out. Ronnie used to protect Neb at school. I made some more new friends and also was trying to find out what was wrong with Neb as looking back now I know he has Aspergers or some syndrome like this as he was not doing well at school and established he was also dyslexic like myself. But apart from Spelt ( an organization for children with learning difficulties.) I got no help for his problems. I took him to Dr, Psychiatrists, and special gym for his coordination and I did so much running around for him trying to get help. But in those days help was not readily available. His father was much of the problem I was told as he got spoilt each week end and came home with money, toys and what ever he wanted he got. But his father never helped in his problems. It was a hard struggle seeing my child getting bullied at school and not liking school. It was terrible and I wished we had never moved from Gawler.
Then one day I got a phone call to say Kevin had stolen a car and was now on the run. Well I got into my car and tried to stop him but I was too late. I got stopped for speeding on the way to Gawler and the police thought I was weird as I was saying I am trying to stop my husband stealing a brand new car. I got off with a small fine.
When I got to Gawler he was gone. The guy we had employed was busy mending shoes and got a surprise when I walked in with this news? Well from there on Kevin just disappeared and I was left with two children to look after and a business to run. After four months around 1981 he was not found and I had to go bankrupted and lost everything, house and all. Fortunately I was able to rent the house from the housing trust so did not have to move. The day the Bankruptcy came through I collapsed and fainted in my kitchen as it all got too much for me. Remembering I had no family to lean on or to help me.
The neighbor called a Nun in the area and she came to see me and comfort me and Clare became a good friend. I am not Catholic and was expecting a nun to arrive in her black and white, but no she came in jeans and riding a bike.
This again got my immune system went down and I was constantly in fatigue and pain. I went to Dr for help telling my story and was just put on Valium and sleeping pills.I ended up in a hospital for the mentally ill for a few weeks to recover and Ronnie had gone back to his mother and Neb was with his father. I just managed to get through one day at a time. It was tough.
Around the end of 1981 Kevin was found on Magnetic island in Queensland and was bought back to South Australia and was jailed for around one year.
.
Thursday 31 July 2014
OLYMPICS HERE I COME
As I moved every year of my life and more, in between,life was never stable for me. Yet I found I had one thing I could do where ever we went and that was running and swimming.
I was very good in these sports even though I was small and short I could do these sports. It was the only time I got any praise and even my mother would stand at the end of the line when I was running and cheer me on. This is the only time I felt okay and a little special. I still have the old certificates, where I got awards for running and swimming.
I like all types of running and did the sprints and also the long distance run. I had to run with the boys in the long distance or steeple chase as it was called as there was no races of that type for girls. I used to come in at around the first, five or six with the boys. I"d get cheered as I ran to the finish line. I did just as well in swimming and won the Championship for girls for the whole of the North Island in New Zealand when I was around twelve and I had a good future to go to the Olympics. I had a coach who was encouraging me. So I was deciding whether to concentrate on running or swimming. I liked both and thought I could do both. But it became my little dream that some day I would go to the Olympics. This also helped with the depression I had as a child. It kept me stable. I used to run around the farms and roads where ever we lived. It got me away from the abuse and dysfunctional family I was in.
We had a strawberry farm and my brother Les and myself had to get up at around 5am before we went to school and chase all the birds away from the strawberries. I used to be so tired at school as wasn't getting enough sleep. But that is what we had to do. My half sister Ellen was eight years my junior so we really didn't know each other very well due to the age difference and being the step fathers child she was spoilt, unlike Les and myself who were always being punished for something we had supposed to have done?
It was around this time that my stepfather decided he had found God and became involved in the Seventh Day Adventist church. He made us go to church every Saturday and then I wasn't allowed to go to the sporting events, so after a time I lost interest and gave up the sport as I had to be a good little Sabbath keeper and study the bible. The step father was so strict and took delight in being the Lord of the house and bossing us all around including my mother.
I would go to school with welts on my legs where he used a belt on me me for something I had or had not done? He was a very scary man.
So sport helped me up until I was around thirteen and then my dream went. I was so sad and now know I was suffering from depression and without the running it got worse. My mother took me to the Doctor and he put me on antidepressants. I however never told anyone about the abuse at the hands of my stepfather or the elders from the Seventh Day Adventist church. I kept it inside for many years. As at that point I didn't know what was right or wrong, I was only a child learning from poor roll models.
From thirteen on-wards my life changed for ever as my dream of going to the Olympics had gone.
I was very good in these sports even though I was small and short I could do these sports. It was the only time I got any praise and even my mother would stand at the end of the line when I was running and cheer me on. This is the only time I felt okay and a little special. I still have the old certificates, where I got awards for running and swimming.
I like all types of running and did the sprints and also the long distance run. I had to run with the boys in the long distance or steeple chase as it was called as there was no races of that type for girls. I used to come in at around the first, five or six with the boys. I"d get cheered as I ran to the finish line. I did just as well in swimming and won the Championship for girls for the whole of the North Island in New Zealand when I was around twelve and I had a good future to go to the Olympics. I had a coach who was encouraging me. So I was deciding whether to concentrate on running or swimming. I liked both and thought I could do both. But it became my little dream that some day I would go to the Olympics. This also helped with the depression I had as a child. It kept me stable. I used to run around the farms and roads where ever we lived. It got me away from the abuse and dysfunctional family I was in.
We had a strawberry farm and my brother Les and myself had to get up at around 5am before we went to school and chase all the birds away from the strawberries. I used to be so tired at school as wasn't getting enough sleep. But that is what we had to do. My half sister Ellen was eight years my junior so we really didn't know each other very well due to the age difference and being the step fathers child she was spoilt, unlike Les and myself who were always being punished for something we had supposed to have done?
It was around this time that my stepfather decided he had found God and became involved in the Seventh Day Adventist church. He made us go to church every Saturday and then I wasn't allowed to go to the sporting events, so after a time I lost interest and gave up the sport as I had to be a good little Sabbath keeper and study the bible. The step father was so strict and took delight in being the Lord of the house and bossing us all around including my mother.
I would go to school with welts on my legs where he used a belt on me me for something I had or had not done? He was a very scary man.
So sport helped me up until I was around thirteen and then my dream went. I was so sad and now know I was suffering from depression and without the running it got worse. My mother took me to the Doctor and he put me on antidepressants. I however never told anyone about the abuse at the hands of my stepfather or the elders from the Seventh Day Adventist church. I kept it inside for many years. As at that point I didn't know what was right or wrong, I was only a child learning from poor roll models.
From thirteen on-wards my life changed for ever as my dream of going to the Olympics had gone.
ON MY OWN AGAIN, 1979
After Lewis, Mother in law and Edward moved out I found myself alone and in a big cold old house. Yet I enjoyed the view from the front veranda. Just before Neb turned two I found a block of land down the road selling for only $7,000. I was about an acre and could be sub divided in to three or four blocks. Lewis rushed down and made a bid and got the land.
Consequently when our divorce went through I never got anything for the land. Lewis got it lock stock and barrel as we say. The divorce went through and I got custody of my son, but I had no problems with him seeing his father when ever it was convenient. No knowing my own father I could not do this to my own child.
That block of land sold for a allot and Lewis was able to build a great big house on a block and sold the other blocks for a large sum. I got nothing for that.
I had enough money to buy a very small house in Evanston a outer suburb of Gawler so I was still nearby for Neb to see his family. I worked hard in getting the house in order and also did my own landscaping and gardening and really enjoyed my little home. Again bad choices on my part I lost it down the track.
I had a small car and used to do house work for working people and was out most days doing that while Neb was at school. So I was a supporting mother doing all the chores and all that goes in raising a child and Neb would go to his father and grandmothers and got spoilt every time with money and toys. What ever he wanted he got. But Lewis never went to any of Neb's school events or anything to do with going out and that went on until Neb was fourteen. I did all the running around getting Neb help and chastising him and the things a mother does to bring up a honest caring child. Looking back at Neb's behavior and his learning difficulties I now put it down to Aspergers or some syndrome like that. In those days nothing much was done or known about these type health issues. Lewis did not seem interested about Neb's problems and left them to me to fix up. If Neb had of been a girl I very much doubt if Lewis would of had anything to do with him and would of disowned him just as he did with his daughter Julie. He openly said he didn't like girls.
Neb was dyslexic like myself although I didn't realize I was dyslexic until years down the track and realized why school had been hard for me also growing up. I had to leave school at fifteen and work in a cake shop to save for my boarding school fees at a Seventh day Adventist College, which by the way I didn't like.
Doing the house work was hard on me and at one point my right arm swelled up so badly I was put into a sling and was to be operated on, but at the last minute the Doctors decided to leave it and eventually the swelling went down. It took around two months for that to happen and they still don't know what it was? So I had given up house cleaning at that time due to my arm.
Then every month I would have very bad period pain and many blood clots that it made my life a misery and I would have to go to bed in pain. This happened to me every month since the time of menstruation so I was always very ill every month which did not help being married to men who had no caring, empathy or any compassion at all. It sucked. It was decided in 1979 that I would have a complete hysterectomy which looking back I regretted so much. But in those days that is what they did. I had the large operation back then and my mother who had moved to Burnie in Tasmania came over for a few weeks to be with me and to meet her grandson. Neb was around four or five. Her husband my stepfather was now an ordained Seventh Day Adventist Minister. How does that happen? A pedophile is allowed to be a minister?? It makes me feel ill to this day this could happen. How many others did he abuse in his role as minister. I know of least one other.
Anyway my mother took good care of myself and Neb and she knitted Neb a very large Dr Who scarf which she made while she was with us. It was nice having my mother with me as I had not seen her for over thirteen years. So we had a bonding time. No hugs or touchy comfort but just talking and that was better than nothing. She would not acknowledge what her husband had done to me but always knew as I got older we just didn't get on and he used to pick on me allot. She knew that but didn't know why? Looking back it was his way of keeping me in control. He abused me from the age of four years old until I was around thirteen when I learned to keep out of his way.
Consequently when our divorce went through I never got anything for the land. Lewis got it lock stock and barrel as we say. The divorce went through and I got custody of my son, but I had no problems with him seeing his father when ever it was convenient. No knowing my own father I could not do this to my own child.
That block of land sold for a allot and Lewis was able to build a great big house on a block and sold the other blocks for a large sum. I got nothing for that.
I had enough money to buy a very small house in Evanston a outer suburb of Gawler so I was still nearby for Neb to see his family. I worked hard in getting the house in order and also did my own landscaping and gardening and really enjoyed my little home. Again bad choices on my part I lost it down the track.
I had a small car and used to do house work for working people and was out most days doing that while Neb was at school. So I was a supporting mother doing all the chores and all that goes in raising a child and Neb would go to his father and grandmothers and got spoilt every time with money and toys. What ever he wanted he got. But Lewis never went to any of Neb's school events or anything to do with going out and that went on until Neb was fourteen. I did all the running around getting Neb help and chastising him and the things a mother does to bring up a honest caring child. Looking back at Neb's behavior and his learning difficulties I now put it down to Aspergers or some syndrome like that. In those days nothing much was done or known about these type health issues. Lewis did not seem interested about Neb's problems and left them to me to fix up. If Neb had of been a girl I very much doubt if Lewis would of had anything to do with him and would of disowned him just as he did with his daughter Julie. He openly said he didn't like girls.
Neb was dyslexic like myself although I didn't realize I was dyslexic until years down the track and realized why school had been hard for me also growing up. I had to leave school at fifteen and work in a cake shop to save for my boarding school fees at a Seventh day Adventist College, which by the way I didn't like.
Doing the house work was hard on me and at one point my right arm swelled up so badly I was put into a sling and was to be operated on, but at the last minute the Doctors decided to leave it and eventually the swelling went down. It took around two months for that to happen and they still don't know what it was? So I had given up house cleaning at that time due to my arm.
Then every month I would have very bad period pain and many blood clots that it made my life a misery and I would have to go to bed in pain. This happened to me every month since the time of menstruation so I was always very ill every month which did not help being married to men who had no caring, empathy or any compassion at all. It sucked. It was decided in 1979 that I would have a complete hysterectomy which looking back I regretted so much. But in those days that is what they did. I had the large operation back then and my mother who had moved to Burnie in Tasmania came over for a few weeks to be with me and to meet her grandson. Neb was around four or five. Her husband my stepfather was now an ordained Seventh Day Adventist Minister. How does that happen? A pedophile is allowed to be a minister?? It makes me feel ill to this day this could happen. How many others did he abuse in his role as minister. I know of least one other.
Anyway my mother took good care of myself and Neb and she knitted Neb a very large Dr Who scarf which she made while she was with us. It was nice having my mother with me as I had not seen her for over thirteen years. So we had a bonding time. No hugs or touchy comfort but just talking and that was better than nothing. She would not acknowledge what her husband had done to me but always knew as I got older we just didn't get on and he used to pick on me allot. She knew that but didn't know why? Looking back it was his way of keeping me in control. He abused me from the age of four years old until I was around thirteen when I learned to keep out of his way.
Wednesday 30 July 2014
DIVORCE AND ANOTHER MARRIAGE.
Being a mother was the best thing I have ever done even though the consequences down the track would not appear so? I adored my son and his cheeky happy smile was always there. I went out with Josie and we joined a children's group with other mothers with children.
I began to notice at around twelve months old Neb's mile stones were behind other children. Being a first time mother and having no family I had no way of judging what was and what wasn't a milestone. I just had to go by my mothers intuition. Neb walked at fourteen months old and he was not interested in playing with ordinary toys he had. He used to play with an old wig of mine or a branch and leaves from a tree which he loved much more than toys. Because I felt so used and like a slave with Lewis I left on one occasion and had a six month break and lived in a small flat in Gawler. When I came back Neb was around two. Now Lewis was interested in his son as up until now he didn't do too much with him. So I agreed to come back to the house with Lewis and in 1976 we got married. It was a very small wedding in the garden at our house with Lewis's brother and family and a few friends I had made over the past two years. The service was done by the minister at the Gawler Uniting Church as being divorced it was not easy in those days to get married in a church. My step uncle who raped me had the rudeness to write to me to tell me he was happy I had married the father of my child. I ripped the letter up. He was part of my life that made me a very vulnerable mixed up woman and my life has never been the same since childhood abuse and rape. I was very protective of Neb due to that.
After we got married the relationship between Lewis and myself just got worse and worse. I kept asking could I learn to drive so I wasn't so house bound and a long walk from Willaston into Gawler. I was told by Lewis if I ever got my drivers licence I could drive the car any time. I was very upset about that attitude. To keep me at home behind the kitchen sink. So I decided to get another scooter so I could at least get out and have some me time. I went to the motor registration office to renew my scooter licence. When I got there I was told I never had a scooter licence but had a car licence so quick thinking I said oh yes and walked out with my full car licence. I got home and said to Lewis if I have my licence can I drive the car. He said yes laughing at me. I produced my car licence and his face dropped so I got into the car and drove it down the street. I took it slowly at first just driving around Gawler and Willaston until my confidence was good and eventuated into driving to Elizabeth and then to Adelaide. Then after a couple of months I felt confident enough to take Neb with me and we then had some nice outings. It gave my depression a kick to be independent and able to get out. Not being a prisoner in my own home.
So that is how I got my car licence and the reason why I cant park very well so avoid doing that when I can. Then my in laws arrived from England to stay and yes it was at our place they stayed. They lived in a large caravan and used the facilities which made bathing etc. very crowded and not allot of privacy.
Sadly Neb's grandfather died of a massive heart attack and died on our bed. It was a horrible experience as I tried to do CPR while the ambulance was on its way. After he died it was decided my mother in law would come into the house and Edward would sleep in the caravan. Edward was a very high As student so was at University studying Dentistry and he became a very good Dentist Doctor and still is today. My mother in law never went out and just stayed home but she took over doing all the chores I had been doing. So from one extreme to another, I suddenly became the one in the background while Mum in law did all the cooking and cleaning etc. This made me feel so useless.
So I went to Tafe to do some study to get me out of the house. After a couple of years of trying to get on with my mother in law and it not working, Lewis and his mother and son Edward up and left me in the big house and they rented a flat in Gawler. They say blood is thicker than water?
I got pregnant again a few months prior to this and lost the baby at around twelve weeks. I had lifted a bucket of wet nappies from the bath as I had no laundry sink and I felt a pull in my stomach and the next day I lost my baby. Lewis didn't care and was happy I had lost the baby, yet I was devastated and in those days you just got on with it without any grieving. I now grieve the loss of my baby and wish I had had another child. It was very hard on me and made my depression worse.
So after the separation we went through the process of my second divorce.
I began to notice at around twelve months old Neb's mile stones were behind other children. Being a first time mother and having no family I had no way of judging what was and what wasn't a milestone. I just had to go by my mothers intuition. Neb walked at fourteen months old and he was not interested in playing with ordinary toys he had. He used to play with an old wig of mine or a branch and leaves from a tree which he loved much more than toys. Because I felt so used and like a slave with Lewis I left on one occasion and had a six month break and lived in a small flat in Gawler. When I came back Neb was around two. Now Lewis was interested in his son as up until now he didn't do too much with him. So I agreed to come back to the house with Lewis and in 1976 we got married. It was a very small wedding in the garden at our house with Lewis's brother and family and a few friends I had made over the past two years. The service was done by the minister at the Gawler Uniting Church as being divorced it was not easy in those days to get married in a church. My step uncle who raped me had the rudeness to write to me to tell me he was happy I had married the father of my child. I ripped the letter up. He was part of my life that made me a very vulnerable mixed up woman and my life has never been the same since childhood abuse and rape. I was very protective of Neb due to that.
After we got married the relationship between Lewis and myself just got worse and worse. I kept asking could I learn to drive so I wasn't so house bound and a long walk from Willaston into Gawler. I was told by Lewis if I ever got my drivers licence I could drive the car any time. I was very upset about that attitude. To keep me at home behind the kitchen sink. So I decided to get another scooter so I could at least get out and have some me time. I went to the motor registration office to renew my scooter licence. When I got there I was told I never had a scooter licence but had a car licence so quick thinking I said oh yes and walked out with my full car licence. I got home and said to Lewis if I have my licence can I drive the car. He said yes laughing at me. I produced my car licence and his face dropped so I got into the car and drove it down the street. I took it slowly at first just driving around Gawler and Willaston until my confidence was good and eventuated into driving to Elizabeth and then to Adelaide. Then after a couple of months I felt confident enough to take Neb with me and we then had some nice outings. It gave my depression a kick to be independent and able to get out. Not being a prisoner in my own home.
So that is how I got my car licence and the reason why I cant park very well so avoid doing that when I can. Then my in laws arrived from England to stay and yes it was at our place they stayed. They lived in a large caravan and used the facilities which made bathing etc. very crowded and not allot of privacy.
Sadly Neb's grandfather died of a massive heart attack and died on our bed. It was a horrible experience as I tried to do CPR while the ambulance was on its way. After he died it was decided my mother in law would come into the house and Edward would sleep in the caravan. Edward was a very high As student so was at University studying Dentistry and he became a very good Dentist Doctor and still is today. My mother in law never went out and just stayed home but she took over doing all the chores I had been doing. So from one extreme to another, I suddenly became the one in the background while Mum in law did all the cooking and cleaning etc. This made me feel so useless.
So I went to Tafe to do some study to get me out of the house. After a couple of years of trying to get on with my mother in law and it not working, Lewis and his mother and son Edward up and left me in the big house and they rented a flat in Gawler. They say blood is thicker than water?
I got pregnant again a few months prior to this and lost the baby at around twelve weeks. I had lifted a bucket of wet nappies from the bath as I had no laundry sink and I felt a pull in my stomach and the next day I lost my baby. Lewis didn't care and was happy I had lost the baby, yet I was devastated and in those days you just got on with it without any grieving. I now grieve the loss of my baby and wish I had had another child. It was very hard on me and made my depression worse.
So after the separation we went through the process of my second divorce.
Monday 28 July 2014
TOWNSVILLE HERE I COME JANUARY 1974
I boarded the train in Adelaide to make my way to Townsville to stay with my cousin John and his wife. Little did I realize it was the year of the big floods in Queensland 1974. So instead of four days of train travel it was around six days and I felt very unwell all the way. It was a relief to finally arrive in Townsville and to meet my cousin and to have the first nights sleep in a bed, as I had sat up all the way on the train. It was so great to see John and Robyn and Kathleen who was around five and was a wonderful little girl. Little did I know this was the last time I would see them?
We did some day trips around the Townsville area and I enjoyed that but the very hot humid weather did not agree with me and I just kept feeling unwell. Suddenly one day I fainted and was taken to hospital where I found out I was pregnant. This was a big shock and unplanned and yet it explained the morning sickness I had had on the train ride up. As I was unlikely to have a baby full term it was decided I ought to be flown home and ended up in the Gawler hospital. Lewis was not happy about me being pregnant and accused me of having an affair with my own cousin. How sick is that?? I however managed to carry the baby and in that time I met my first real friends Josie and Diane who both lived near by and were also pregnant. So we used to compare notes on our pregnancies and I felt I had some support and understanding. All Lewis could do was to call himself the fifty bob stud and made fun of my pregnancy. This was very hard to take but I had no option but to stay where I was and put up with the insults. I was excited inside myself as I had always wanted to have a child of my own and as I was now twenty eight it was a good time to have a child. For the sake of my child Neb I also changed my name by deed poll so he would have the same surname. This was a request of myself. I now had my fourth surname. My birth name, step fathers name, married name and now a deed poll name. I have always said I never knew if I was Pam or jam as I have had nine surnames and the name I have now is my last.
Neb was due early October but he decided to come a month earlier. I was laying in bed when my water broke and Lewis was in the lounge room with his brother so I came out and Lewis rushed me to the hospital dropped me off and went straight home. No staying with me or being there for the birth he just went straight home. I was alone and scared and as I had contractions and cried as I went alone through the birth of around six hours. The Doctor came in and told me to stop pushing as the cord was around Neb's neck. It was a tense time. In those days things were not as they are today. I remember the big green colored birthing room at the Gawler hospital and felt all alone in the world. When Neb was born as he was a premature baby,( even though he was six pound ten ounces, quite big for a premature baby) he was taken away from me and it was over twenty four hours before I saw him again. I began to have really bad cold shivers and I had many hot towels put all over me as my system went into a type of a shock. I was in tears as didn't know if my baby was dead or alive and no one seemed to explain anything to me. Where was the father of this child to help me through all this. Well he rocked up the next day when Neb was over twenty four hours old and gave me a banana and said this is a banana for your monkey. He said he had seen Neb and how ugly he was. I felt hurt and just could not understand his reactions. Others in the ward were getting flowers and visitors and I got no one. Lewis didn't even think to let my two friends know so they could visit me. I had stitches and it was hard to walk without them hurting. One of the nurses yelled at me to walk properly that they couldn't hurt that bad. Funny enough about five years latter she became a friend and when she had her first child she had stitches and walked the same. I had to remind her and we had a laugh.
After about a week I was allowed home to a big old house with two men who just sat around and gave me no help. Edward was fifteen at this stage and he did like to hold his baby brother every now and then. I had no family support and could only rely on what the baby nurse would tell me how and what to do at each stage of Nebs development. Josie had her baby about a month after I did and when she was ready we used to go to Elizabeth once a week to do our shopping and have a day out. As I did not drive at this stage I enjoyed these days once a week as it got me away from the boredom of being at home with a baby alone and also still cooking and cleaning for two grown men. I used to cry as I was so exhausted as I washed the dishes every night and knowing I was in for a night feed anytime soon and through the night. Lewis and Edward did nothing to help me. I was so sleep deprived I felt like I was drunk all the time. Neb was a good baby and slept well and was very placid. He did however have a re-flux problem and Lewis and his brother and family used to not like holding him in case he was sick. That whole family was pathetic. My hormones must of been in a bad shape and I didn't realize I was suffering from Post natal depression because in those days this was not an illness that was known about. I knew something was wrong and I was depressed but had no one to talk to about it and my Dr just put me on antidepressants which made me so tired I gave them away and didn't take anything.
We did some day trips around the Townsville area and I enjoyed that but the very hot humid weather did not agree with me and I just kept feeling unwell. Suddenly one day I fainted and was taken to hospital where I found out I was pregnant. This was a big shock and unplanned and yet it explained the morning sickness I had had on the train ride up. As I was unlikely to have a baby full term it was decided I ought to be flown home and ended up in the Gawler hospital. Lewis was not happy about me being pregnant and accused me of having an affair with my own cousin. How sick is that?? I however managed to carry the baby and in that time I met my first real friends Josie and Diane who both lived near by and were also pregnant. So we used to compare notes on our pregnancies and I felt I had some support and understanding. All Lewis could do was to call himself the fifty bob stud and made fun of my pregnancy. This was very hard to take but I had no option but to stay where I was and put up with the insults. I was excited inside myself as I had always wanted to have a child of my own and as I was now twenty eight it was a good time to have a child. For the sake of my child Neb I also changed my name by deed poll so he would have the same surname. This was a request of myself. I now had my fourth surname. My birth name, step fathers name, married name and now a deed poll name. I have always said I never knew if I was Pam or jam as I have had nine surnames and the name I have now is my last.
Neb was due early October but he decided to come a month earlier. I was laying in bed when my water broke and Lewis was in the lounge room with his brother so I came out and Lewis rushed me to the hospital dropped me off and went straight home. No staying with me or being there for the birth he just went straight home. I was alone and scared and as I had contractions and cried as I went alone through the birth of around six hours. The Doctor came in and told me to stop pushing as the cord was around Neb's neck. It was a tense time. In those days things were not as they are today. I remember the big green colored birthing room at the Gawler hospital and felt all alone in the world. When Neb was born as he was a premature baby,( even though he was six pound ten ounces, quite big for a premature baby) he was taken away from me and it was over twenty four hours before I saw him again. I began to have really bad cold shivers and I had many hot towels put all over me as my system went into a type of a shock. I was in tears as didn't know if my baby was dead or alive and no one seemed to explain anything to me. Where was the father of this child to help me through all this. Well he rocked up the next day when Neb was over twenty four hours old and gave me a banana and said this is a banana for your monkey. He said he had seen Neb and how ugly he was. I felt hurt and just could not understand his reactions. Others in the ward were getting flowers and visitors and I got no one. Lewis didn't even think to let my two friends know so they could visit me. I had stitches and it was hard to walk without them hurting. One of the nurses yelled at me to walk properly that they couldn't hurt that bad. Funny enough about five years latter she became a friend and when she had her first child she had stitches and walked the same. I had to remind her and we had a laugh.
After about a week I was allowed home to a big old house with two men who just sat around and gave me no help. Edward was fifteen at this stage and he did like to hold his baby brother every now and then. I had no family support and could only rely on what the baby nurse would tell me how and what to do at each stage of Nebs development. Josie had her baby about a month after I did and when she was ready we used to go to Elizabeth once a week to do our shopping and have a day out. As I did not drive at this stage I enjoyed these days once a week as it got me away from the boredom of being at home with a baby alone and also still cooking and cleaning for two grown men. I used to cry as I was so exhausted as I washed the dishes every night and knowing I was in for a night feed anytime soon and through the night. Lewis and Edward did nothing to help me. I was so sleep deprived I felt like I was drunk all the time. Neb was a good baby and slept well and was very placid. He did however have a re-flux problem and Lewis and his brother and family used to not like holding him in case he was sick. That whole family was pathetic. My hormones must of been in a bad shape and I didn't realize I was suffering from Post natal depression because in those days this was not an illness that was known about. I knew something was wrong and I was depressed but had no one to talk to about it and my Dr just put me on antidepressants which made me so tired I gave them away and didn't take anything.
Sunday 27 July 2014
ON THE FARM
Well after awhile when the concreting business was going so well with Lewis and John it was decided that we would buy a property in Willaston near Gawler in South Australia about ten kilometers from Elizabeth where we currently lived.
It was a very old property with about 5 acres of land and my love of horses came out and I thought oh it would be great to have a horse and was promised one by Lewis. Lewis never wanted children and even though I really wanted children the subject was a closed one. I had been told by various Doctors I would never be able to have children. So I thought having a small farm with animals took me back to my days on living on farms where animals were my only safe companions and I would forget about having my own children. I was also promised the huge big room which was a bathroom, laundry and toilet would be renovated. It just had an old toilet and huge big bath with a shower over it and no laundry sink. It was a big huge cold room. The kitchen was also just as bad. The built on bit that went from what was the font window of the kitchen looked over a type of family room, and the rest of the house had three bedrooms and another lounge. So much larger than where we were living. Again I was promised all would be renovated. But as I found out Lewis love of doing slate work and sculpture the outside of the house took precedence and was first to be done. I got my horse and learnt to ride again and was easy to ride as was an ex race horse but do you know I cannot even remember its name. We had hens so was nice to have nice fresh eggs. Edward wanted some rabbits so we made a mistake and got two male rabbits. Well one day when I went to feed them one of them attacked me and ripped a huge scratch down my arm. It was very scary so soon we did not have any rabbits. I am not sure what happened to them as they seemed to of just vanished over night. I think Lewis and his brother Ronald had something to do with it. But no we didn't have rabbit stew,lol. We gained two Siamese and a Burmese cats and I loved them dearly. However one got run over accidentally by Lewis. It broke my heart.
I still had my scooter and was still travelling into Adelaide around forty kilometers to do my demonstrating work which I enjoyed. It got me away from a man whom I was finding out was a male chauvinist.
Lewis believed a woman's place was in the home and never lifted his finger to help with any house work,dishes or cooking. It was all left to me and Edward was encouraged as a boy he didn't have to do any house hold chores and it was all left up to me. Now I know why I hate cooking and preparing a nice meal and not even a thank you and looking out the window into the family room to see two of them watching TV while I was doing the dishes as I did every day.
Lewis was not an emotional man and never gave gifts for birthdays or Christmas, just like my stepfather who was the same. I realized I ended up marrying a man like him.
I became depressed and felt just like I was a slave. Lewis was always quite good with money and always gave me enough for food and my personal needs but that was not enough. There was no intimacy and we never went anywhere as Lewis just wanted to stay home and follow the racing horses on TV.
Then one day I got a letter from a cousin from New Zealand and was now living with his wife Robyn and daughter Kathleen in Townsville, Queensland. I had been trying to find my biological father and over the years I would write letters to various people or organizations in New Zealand to try and find him. Around this time my brother visited from Melbourne and as he suffered from depression and ended up an alcoholic, Lewis used to make fun of him as Lewis could not stand anyone who was weak as he called it. So my brother Les never visited me very often after that. It upset me Lewis was so cruel.
Anyway after a few letters between my cousin John it was decided I would go up to Townsville to met him after twenty or more years. John was like a brother as when I was born six weeks earlier than he was born my mother had no milk. So Johns mother, my Aunty Marg would breast feed us like twins. So John and I had this uncanny bond.
I was excited about going up by train and knew it would be a long journey but not as long as it turned out to be? This was end of 1973 early 1974. Before I left I was feeling unwell but as I was always unwell and in pain and had, had many visits to the local Gawler hospital to find nothing was wrong, yet I was always fatigued and in extreme pain. So this time I just pushed on through as I had always done.
It was a very old property with about 5 acres of land and my love of horses came out and I thought oh it would be great to have a horse and was promised one by Lewis. Lewis never wanted children and even though I really wanted children the subject was a closed one. I had been told by various Doctors I would never be able to have children. So I thought having a small farm with animals took me back to my days on living on farms where animals were my only safe companions and I would forget about having my own children. I was also promised the huge big room which was a bathroom, laundry and toilet would be renovated. It just had an old toilet and huge big bath with a shower over it and no laundry sink. It was a big huge cold room. The kitchen was also just as bad. The built on bit that went from what was the font window of the kitchen looked over a type of family room, and the rest of the house had three bedrooms and another lounge. So much larger than where we were living. Again I was promised all would be renovated. But as I found out Lewis love of doing slate work and sculpture the outside of the house took precedence and was first to be done. I got my horse and learnt to ride again and was easy to ride as was an ex race horse but do you know I cannot even remember its name. We had hens so was nice to have nice fresh eggs. Edward wanted some rabbits so we made a mistake and got two male rabbits. Well one day when I went to feed them one of them attacked me and ripped a huge scratch down my arm. It was very scary so soon we did not have any rabbits. I am not sure what happened to them as they seemed to of just vanished over night. I think Lewis and his brother Ronald had something to do with it. But no we didn't have rabbit stew,lol. We gained two Siamese and a Burmese cats and I loved them dearly. However one got run over accidentally by Lewis. It broke my heart.
I still had my scooter and was still travelling into Adelaide around forty kilometers to do my demonstrating work which I enjoyed. It got me away from a man whom I was finding out was a male chauvinist.
Lewis believed a woman's place was in the home and never lifted his finger to help with any house work,dishes or cooking. It was all left to me and Edward was encouraged as a boy he didn't have to do any house hold chores and it was all left up to me. Now I know why I hate cooking and preparing a nice meal and not even a thank you and looking out the window into the family room to see two of them watching TV while I was doing the dishes as I did every day.
Lewis was not an emotional man and never gave gifts for birthdays or Christmas, just like my stepfather who was the same. I realized I ended up marrying a man like him.
I became depressed and felt just like I was a slave. Lewis was always quite good with money and always gave me enough for food and my personal needs but that was not enough. There was no intimacy and we never went anywhere as Lewis just wanted to stay home and follow the racing horses on TV.
Then one day I got a letter from a cousin from New Zealand and was now living with his wife Robyn and daughter Kathleen in Townsville, Queensland. I had been trying to find my biological father and over the years I would write letters to various people or organizations in New Zealand to try and find him. Around this time my brother visited from Melbourne and as he suffered from depression and ended up an alcoholic, Lewis used to make fun of him as Lewis could not stand anyone who was weak as he called it. So my brother Les never visited me very often after that. It upset me Lewis was so cruel.
Anyway after a few letters between my cousin John it was decided I would go up to Townsville to met him after twenty or more years. John was like a brother as when I was born six weeks earlier than he was born my mother had no milk. So Johns mother, my Aunty Marg would breast feed us like twins. So John and I had this uncanny bond.
I was excited about going up by train and knew it would be a long journey but not as long as it turned out to be? This was end of 1973 early 1974. Before I left I was feeling unwell but as I was always unwell and in pain and had, had many visits to the local Gawler hospital to find nothing was wrong, yet I was always fatigued and in extreme pain. So this time I just pushed on through as I had always done.
BOOKS AND DVD I HAVE HAD WORK PUBLISHED.
The first is a DVD called " CLOSET SPACE" filmed by the South Australian Cooperation by "Cindigo Vision".
It was filmed in Adelaide at Rochdale Bed and Breakfast which is a lovely old building and great place to stay.
The filming took the whole day and it was just after a split from a violent marriage, (my 5th marriage) so I was not really feeling very well and had to catch a train and bus from Gawler at around 5 am in the morning to get there in time.
Simon Royal from ABC was the man who interviewed us at the time (plus was the time my gay son disowned me for reasons I still don't know?)
It was quite a nice day very challenging and yet fun to see how the film industry works.
After the filming the film came out on video but now you can get it on DVD. You can get this video at most Libraries and is promoted by Parenting S.A.
I think it is a great video for parents who have gay children and how they react when their children come out?
The second article In had published was in a book called "MY CHILD IS GAY" written by Bryce McDougall. This was published and sold in 1998.
My story is on page 94, and I write in my name of Pamela Du-Valle.
Then in 2003/2004 I was contacted by author Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli as she was writing another book on gay children and their coming out. I sent in my articles and poems and was surprised to find one of my poems was after the Foreword ( which was written by The Hon Justice Michael Kirby AC CGM Oct. 2004) and then my article called "MY SON CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET AND I WENT RIGHT IN" was on the next page. I felt so proud of this but to be honest I havent said much about all of the above until now.
Perhaps those of you who are interested may want to look these books and DVD up and even buy them. I dont get any monetary gain from any of these. It was all done for love.
So as you follow my blog you will find the subject of homosexuality and having a gay child will come up in my story. Just another hurdle in life I had to deal with.
I also will be adding at end of my story the books and quotes that inspired and helped me through many a hard time. These I will leave until end of my story as my writers block has gone and I want to keep writing before writers block comes again. Writing my story is confronting , haunting and yet at the same time a healing process I ought to have done years ago. Until the next blog.
It was filmed in Adelaide at Rochdale Bed and Breakfast which is a lovely old building and great place to stay.
The filming took the whole day and it was just after a split from a violent marriage, (my 5th marriage) so I was not really feeling very well and had to catch a train and bus from Gawler at around 5 am in the morning to get there in time.
Simon Royal from ABC was the man who interviewed us at the time (plus was the time my gay son disowned me for reasons I still don't know?)
It was quite a nice day very challenging and yet fun to see how the film industry works.
After the filming the film came out on video but now you can get it on DVD. You can get this video at most Libraries and is promoted by Parenting S.A.
I think it is a great video for parents who have gay children and how they react when their children come out?
The second article In had published was in a book called "MY CHILD IS GAY" written by Bryce McDougall. This was published and sold in 1998.
My story is on page 94, and I write in my name of Pamela Du-Valle.
Then in 2003/2004 I was contacted by author Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli as she was writing another book on gay children and their coming out. I sent in my articles and poems and was surprised to find one of my poems was after the Foreword ( which was written by The Hon Justice Michael Kirby AC CGM Oct. 2004) and then my article called "MY SON CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET AND I WENT RIGHT IN" was on the next page. I felt so proud of this but to be honest I havent said much about all of the above until now.
Perhaps those of you who are interested may want to look these books and DVD up and even buy them. I dont get any monetary gain from any of these. It was all done for love.
So as you follow my blog you will find the subject of homosexuality and having a gay child will come up in my story. Just another hurdle in life I had to deal with.
I also will be adding at end of my story the books and quotes that inspired and helped me through many a hard time. These I will leave until end of my story as my writers block has gone and I want to keep writing before writers block comes again. Writing my story is confronting , haunting and yet at the same time a healing process I ought to have done years ago. Until the next blog.
Saturday 26 July 2014
ALONE WITH NOBODY
I want to let you know this is an unskilled story writing as I know my spelling and grammar may be not up to par and I have never don't his before and at 68 years old is quite difficult to do but I need to get my story out before I die.
Back to Lewis and Edward. It was about ten days after I went to the dance that I got a call from Lewis asking how I was? It was very hard to hear and to talk on a public phone and I felt embarrassed talking in a hall where everyone could hear. Anyway it was worked out that Lewis would come to visit the next Saturday and take me out to dinner.
When he arrived all dressed up we went to a small cafe for a meal and a chat. Lewis was quite taken with my story up until now and I am sure he felt sorry for me. He also told me it was Edward who had picked me out on the dance floor and reflecting back I think I looked like his mother, whom he had not seen for quite a while so that is why Edward picked me for his father.
After quite a conversation and another date was arranged for the next week. Little did I know I was to be discussed about with his son and a proposal was put to me the next time we met.
Lewis arrived and we sat in the car and he asked me if I would come to live with him and take care of Edward and he would pay me. I was quite taken back but I was young, alone and had nobody so I guess I thought then why not what did I have to loose. The day I moved in with all my stuff from the boarding house I was surprised to find out he put me in the spare room not in the main room with him.
I felt confused as his actions and his words were not going together and I felt a little unsettled at sleeping in the spare room. After a couple of weeks I confronted him as I had begun to have feelings for Lewis and was very fond of Edward and asked why we had to sneak from room to room and why did I have to sleep in the spare room? Lewis said it was because he didn't want Edward to know we were sleeping together, yet all along Edward already knew what was going on. So after about six weeks of this I eventually ended up in the main bedroom with Lewis. Edward was quite happy about it and was not surprised.
It was quite hard to suddenly be a stepmother to a child who was only ten years younger than myself and I did my best to make his life happy. I became the typical house keeper, cooking, cleaning and being involved with Edwards schooling. Lewis laid concrete and worked for an Italian company. He made friends with a mate called John as Lewis and Edward had only been in Australia a year after arriving from England and his marriage had broken up on arrival. They suddenly decided to go into business on their own. So I helped print out posters and pamphlets and then walked all around the neighborhood delivering them. I became the one who answered the phone and went out on quotes with Lewis. Soon they became very busy and the business went well. Lewis also was paying off his house.
After a while I felt I had done enough of being home and wanted to get a job of my own, so I ended up getting a job with Holden's which was just down the road. I did afternoon shift so had the morning to get the meals ready for when Lewis came home form work and Edward from School.
Lewis had left his wife in Brisbane and came to South Australia as he had a brother who lived in Gawler not far away. I used to find letters from Edwards mother in the post but Lewis would get them first and rip them up so poor Edward thought his mother did not care. This started to get to me so I confronted Lewis about it and how it was affecting Edward and how it had affected myself not knowing my own father. So after sometime Lewis relented and allowed Edward to contact his mother and the next school holidays he went to Brisbane to see his mother and sister Lisa. To Edwards surprise and more so for Lewis it was discovered there was a little baby girl who was Edwards little sister and the child had been conceived aboard the boat on the way out from England. But Lewis would have nothing to do with this child and has completely disowned her. I felt so sad for all concerned and especially for Julie the young child left without a father. Lewis could be cruel like that and had no emotional feelings at all. He believed in Hitler and blue eyed men and was homophobic and also very racist. I found all of this hard to cope with. But I had nobody and had just begun to make a few friends and I just didn't know what else to do.
I wanted to learn to drive but Lewis would not teach me so I decided to save up for a scooter so I could get myself to work. The day I got the scooter I was told by Lewis not to ride it until he came home. Well rebel me I had already done a few kilometers by the time he came home and I loved me little yellow fifty cc scooter. I became more independent and decided I wanted a better job so I ended up getting demonstration work and used to travel from Elizabeth to Adelaide about twenty Kilometers and would fix my hair and make up up and go into stores and demonstrate in various stores. I quite enjoyed this type of work. Then something came up and it had to end for awhile?
MAN ON THE MOON
I called this the Man in the moon as it was the time Armstrong walked on the moon. After my affair with Alan and his fake hair I would always check a mans hair out and it become a bit of an obsession for a while. I finished working at the Cosmetic company and began another job at the Sturt Street Post Office in Adelaide. I was living in a boarding house in North Adelaide and I had to catch a bus to work every day. I was first to open the Post Office at 6.30am every morning and had to get ready the Post Office gear and then onto the lunches that were purchased every day. This was a Post Office come milk bar so we sold food and many other things. I used to get home at about 4pm every day and used to be exhausted. I was so bad that I would just buy yogurt and have a shower go to bed and wait for the alarm to go for the next day to come and do it all over again. I would be in extreme pain and I now realize I had Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome but I was desperated and needed to live and I just kept plodding along. I didnt have any friends and the people at the boarding house used to have parties and I knew drugs were involved so I just kept to myself. It was a tough lonely time and I did this for about 6 months and then I got a better job in a factory putting labels on bottles. The hours were better and I got to mix more but still have no friends from that time. I would be in contact with my mother in New Zealand from time to time but I just used to get religion rammed downy throat. I never really told her what was really going on with me. One day some one told me about a singles group and that they were having a dance at a prominent place in Adelaide. I think it was the Town Hall?
I decided to go and remember the dress I bought and how flash I thought I looked in a big long blue and white flowing skirt with big red belt and white ruffled blouse the dress of that time. I caught a bus into Adelaide which was only 10 minutes away and when I got to the venue I thought what am I doing here? The band was playing and the music was nice and I soon found myself being asked up for a dance by various men. I enjoyed being danced around the room as I had never danced like that before but found I could follow a good dancers steps. I was not a drinker as such but found myself having a couple of wines to sooth my nerves. As the end of the evening came to an end, I was suddenly asked by Lewis if he could take me home and explained he had his 12 year old son Edward with him. This made me feel safe so he took me home and exchanged phone numbers. Having no mobile phones I had to give the boarding house number and he gave me his home number. He lived at Elizabeth which was about and hours drive in those days.
I went to work and never thought too much about Lewis except to realize he was around twelve years my senior. And yes he turned out to be like the man on the moon as he thought he was the only one in the world who had an opinion and was a control freak. This I found out much latter.
Sunday 20 July 2014
FROM 1969
It was 1969 when I arrived in Adelaide, while my first husband Tony was on the run from the police for fraud and was in Port Lincoln jail doing six months time.
As I have explained in previous chapter I was being the good wife and trying to set up a home for us for when he got out around the middle of that year.
I got the job in the pharmaceutical Company and soon worked my way up to being in charge of Max Factor cosmetics which I loved doing.
I was still alone with no family and no friends. I would go to work and come home and go to bed as I always felt unwell. This stress and also as I found out many years latter the beginning of Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. As I would have bursts of great energy and then be exhausted. Leaving me so confused about what my body was doing to my self esteem and physical body.
Under pressure I seemed to manage well as I was virtually living to survive for my own life as I had no one else to turn to, except my husband who was in jail and his letters would keep me going with his unedifying love. Like most men in prison write to keep you hooked to them so they had someone to come to when they got out of prison. I worked hard and can remember in July 1969 watching the moon landing standing outside a shop window on my way home from work. It was the high light in this phase of my life.
Around the September Tony came out of jail. I had rented a small cottage and had it set up with furniture, with help from prisoners aid and it was all ready for what I thought was going to be a new start. I changed jobs and began working at the Phillips electrical factory not far down the road. I found my motor skills very challenging trying to wire small items with a solder gun. But I did my best. I would come home from work finding Tony just lazing around doing nothing. No meal ready so yes I would then cook a meal. he kept saying he would get a job but then did not seem to even go and look.
Then one day a young woman around my aged of 23 came and declared she was pregnant with Tony s child. So that was it after a big argument he packed up and left and I never saw him again. I felt sorry for this woman and I helped her through her pregnancy and then she went back to England with her little baby boy.
So here I was again betrayed and left on my own. I was lonely and so I contacted a singles group I saw in the Advertiser paper and went along to a few of the social functions. I met and went out with a few very strange men. One of the men was a man called Allan who was a airport air controller. One day he asked me if Id like a fly in a small plane. I said yes to my regret I wished I hadn't said yes. We went to Parafield Airport north of Adelaide and to my surprise I saw this tiny two seater plane with perspects instead of glass cock pit. I was terrified and as we took off and got air bound I began to panic and kept saying ,"take me back, take me back". It was horrible for me and I also felt embarrassed he had to curtail the trip over Adelaide as was planned. We got back down and I remember having a stiff drink to calm myself down. Alan thought it was funny and laughed at me which just made me feel even more stupid. I saw Alan a few more times but when something freaked me out it was over by my choice.
One day we went out to dinner and came back to his home and in the middle of an sexual encounter I ended up looking at a bald man with a hairpiece in my hand. He looked so different and I just remember feeling weird and leaving my body and in a panic. That was the end of that relationship.
Out of body experience of being numb and leaving your body in times you feel threatened and scared is a common response for those who have been sexually abused. It is a way of coping that's why during my life I didn't always feel fear and just went through events like they were normal. Childhood sexual abuse makes women act or react in different ways. Mine was to be having many relationships with bad men as I was always looking for love I thought I would get from my biological father. In my heart and mind I was always searching for him. My mother would not tell me anything about him except to say he was a bad man. This I would not believe.
ABUSE CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME FIBROMYALGIA TO FULFILLMENT TO ART
ABUSE, FIBROMYALGIA,FULFILLMENT
TO ART?
TO ART?
Chapter One
Birth To Ten.
I was born, on the 4th January 1946. The place we
lived was called Port Albert in New Zealand.I was born
in a
small country town called Warkworth in New Zealand.
lived was called Port Albert in New Zealand.I was born
in a
small country town called Warkworth in New Zealand.
My parents were married November 1944 after my
father came home from the war.
father came home from the war.
My mother was engaged to another soldier and I feel
my father was a rebound partner.
my father was a rebound partner.
I never knew my biological father as you will find out
as I go on with this story.
as I go on with this story.
Looking at old photographs I have, my mother was a
farmhand and a in the Land Army during the Second
World War. She was bought up on a farm all her life
along with her brother who was about 10 years older
than herself.
farmhand and a in the Land Army during the Second
World War. She was bought up on a farm all her life
along with her brother who was about 10 years older
than herself.
So she was quite masculine and I have photos of
myself and my brother on backs of many horses. She
was a very tough and strong woman and my father
being a smaller man she used to embarrass him by
lifting him up in her arms. Not nice for a man who had
served his county in Egypt during the Second World
War, and came home with malaria and war neurosis.
myself and my brother on backs of many horses. She
was a very tough and strong woman and my father
being a smaller man she used to embarrass him by
lifting him up in her arms. Not nice for a man who had
served his county in Egypt during the Second World
War, and came home with malaria and war neurosis.
My brother Leslie was born 21 months later on the
19th September at the same hospital.
19th September at the same hospital.
My parents bought a small cottage and farm and
lived there until I was around 2 years old and my
brother was only 3 months old. My father had been a
city person prior to the war and had no skills in the
area of farming. My mother knew it all.
lived there until I was around 2 years old and my
brother was only 3 months old. My father had been a
city person prior to the war and had no skills in the
area of farming. My mother knew it all.
Also my grandmother lived with us and she was a
fierce controlling woman and had a great
fierce controlling woman and had a great
control over my mother and then also my father. She
interfered with their marriage right from the start. My
grandmother was a tough woman and was very stern
and I was scared of her
interfered with their marriage right from the start. My
grandmother was a tough woman and was very stern
and I was scared of her
My grandmother or Gran as she was called had a kind
heart under her tough skin and she used to read to
myself and my brother for hours when we were small.
heart under her tough skin and she used to read to
myself and my brother for hours when we were small.
SCREAMING FROM MY FATHERS ARMS
I was two years old and my brother was about 3
months old when my mother took me from my
father’s
arms and I can still remember my screams as I was
ripped away from him, never to see him again. I still
cannot stand children screaming and crying due to my
experience as a small two year old child. It haunts me
to this day.
Don’t tell me childhood events don’t have an overall
effect on the rest of your life?
effect on the rest of your life?
I was shaking all over and I sobbed on my mother’s
skirt as she carried my three month old brother to the
waiting car.
The car was been driven by a neighbour to take my
mother and brother and Gran to a bus in Wellsford
, about an hour’s drive from the farm in Port Albert.
. Mrs Gillespie who drove us to the bus told me 50
years later, had she realized what was happening she
would never of taken us.
mother and brother and Gran to a bus in Wellsford
, about an hour’s drive from the farm in Port Albert.
. Mrs Gillespie who drove us to the bus told me 50
years later, had she realized what was happening she
would never of taken us.
I met Mrs Gillespie when I went back to New Zealand
in 1997 and she was in a nursing home but she
remembered me and told me the story and she was
very sorry what had happened to myself and my
brother. We were never seen again for a few years.
in 1997 and she was in a nursing home but she
remembered me and told me the story and she was
very sorry what had happened to myself and my
brother. We were never seen again for a few years.
Everyone in the district did not know where we were
going.
going.
As a 2 year old I do not remember the bus ride but
know we were taken to Gisborne a town on the east
coast of New Zealand.
know we were taken to Gisborne a town on the east
coast of New Zealand.
My father was left behind suffering from malaria
which he got while in the Middle East during world war
two in 1942.
which he got while in the Middle East during world war
two in 1942.
A young Maori man found my father very ill at the
farm and took him to the hospital for treatment.
Those in the district were very upset with my mother
including her brother Les.
farm and took him to the hospital for treatment.
Those in the district were very upset with my mother
including her brother Les.
I remember we moved around allot in the first five
years of my life and also lived on a farm in Hastings
New Zealand.
years of my life and also lived on a farm in Hastings
New Zealand.
So I was used to being put on a horse and taken all
over the farm as my mother worked. I sometime
wonder if that is when the illness I have started way
back then?
over the farm as my mother worked. I sometime
wonder if that is when the illness I have started way
back then?
There were floods and I can remember having to leave
the little old run down shack we lived in and taken to
a big wool shed where we slept for a week or so until
the floods went down. I still can remember the smell
of the wool in the shed and still like that smell. The
farm hands were very kind to myself and my brother
and Gran was still with us reading us stories.
the little old run down shack we lived in and taken to
a big wool shed where we slept for a week or so until
the floods went down. I still can remember the smell
of the wool in the shed and still like that smell. The
farm hands were very kind to myself and my brother
and Gran was still with us reading us stories.
My mother was managing a small farm and had to milk
cows morning and night and run the farm as there was
no pensions for single mothers in those days.
cows morning and night and run the farm as there was
no pensions for single mothers in those days.
When I was about three years old and my brother
nearly two, Leslie fell into the river and started to
float down the river.
nearly two, Leslie fell into the river and started to
float down the river.
I ran screaming to my mother who was milking cows
across the river. I had to run over a small plank to get
to her.
across the river. I had to run over a small plank to get
to her.
My mother came running and she jumped into the river
gumboots and all and it was a miracle my brother
was saved. I was so scared at the time and didn’t
make me scared of water.
gumboots and all and it was a miracle my brother
was saved. I was so scared at the time and didn’t
make me scared of water.
I always loved the water but my brother Les didn’t and
that is why?
that is why?
We lived in various places from birth to five years
old. When I was around 4 and living in Hastings New
Zealand I was given water with fluoride added to the
water supply. Hastings was one of the first places in
decay. I often wonder if that was the beginning of my
battle with the chronic invisible illness called
Fibromyalgia I suffered with all my life.?
Around the age of five we returned to Port Albert to
live with my Uncle Les and Aunty Marge in their big
farm house with their two children my cousins Janet
and John, and Gran was with us also. I went to school
along with Janet and John as Janet was 2 years older
than myself and John was six weeks younger. John
and
I were very close and that was due to the fact that
Aunty Marge used to breast feed us both when we
were babies and my mother didn’t have any milk for
me. Aunty Marge gave me a good start.
live with my Uncle Les and Aunty Marge in their big
farm house with their two children my cousins Janet
and John, and Gran was with us also. I went to school
along with Janet and John as Janet was 2 years older
than myself and John was six weeks younger. John
and
I were very close and that was due to the fact that
Aunty Marge used to breast feed us both when we
were babies and my mother didn’t have any milk for
me. Aunty Marge gave me a good start.
It was a long bus trip from Port Albert to Wellsford
where I went to school. But I enjoyed the country life
on the farm and my Aunty teaching me to cook in her
big kitchen and Gran still reading to us all, four
children stories.
where I went to school. But I enjoyed the country life
on the farm and my Aunty teaching me to cook in her
big kitchen and Gran still reading to us all, four
children stories.
I can remember my mother going out with a man
called Uncle Karl who use to take us on a big barge up
the Tamaki river near Te Hana. He had a farm there
also and I can remember him sitting me on his
shoulders and showing me the rainbow and that there
was a pot of gold waiting for me at the end of the
next hill. We never did find it. For years I thought this
Uncle Karl was my real father.
called Uncle Karl who use to take us on a big barge up
the Tamaki river near Te Hana. He had a farm there
also and I can remember him sitting me on his
shoulders and showing me the rainbow and that there
was a pot of gold waiting for me at the end of the
next hill. We never did find it. For years I thought this
Uncle Karl was my real father.
The next thing I can remember is my mother marrying
my step father Malcolm who was Uncle Karl’s younger
brother. Malcolm was a scary man and I was around 4
years old when the sexual abuse started. His first
move on me was across the road from the house in
Wellsford where he abused me in the bushes and was
sworn not to tell. A small child doesn’t know this is
wrong and I just disassociated from it all. On my
mother’s wedding day to Malcolm I went up to him and
said now I have a daddy and I was pushed away. I was
upset as a seven year old child.
my step father Malcolm who was Uncle Karl’s younger
brother. Malcolm was a scary man and I was around 4
years old when the sexual abuse started. His first
move on me was across the road from the house in
Wellsford where he abused me in the bushes and was
sworn not to tell. A small child doesn’t know this is
wrong and I just disassociated from it all. On my
mother’s wedding day to Malcolm I went up to him and
said now I have a daddy and I was pushed away. I was
upset as a seven year old child.
I used to walk to school in Wellsford and as my
mother
worked in a Milk Bar my brother and I would call in to
the milk bar on the way home from school and my
mother would give us a lovely big milkshake. I used to
look forward to those afternoons and still to this day
love my milkshakes. I was always a sickly child and
suffered from anything that went around and had my
tonsils out at aged 7 and then I got Yellow Jaundice at
the age of eight. When I was 10 and my brother 8 we
school to sit on our chairs to do our tests. It was cruel
and I remember the pain very well. It was due to too
much sun at the local beach where we would all go
for fishing. I loved the ocean and the sand. I felt free
there away from the constant sexual abuse.
My half-sister Ethel was born when I was eight years
old and remember this bundle of joy
old and remember this bundle of joy
coming into our home and cuddling her as she used to
suck her toe.
suck her toe.
When I was around 10 years old we shifted to the
north of the North Island to a few places like Ruawai
and Dargaville. We moved around so much I went to a
different school every year and it is all a bit of am
blur. My mother and stepfather became share
milkers
looking after the farm and living in the old old
cottages while the Land owner has his big mansion.
One house we lived in had pigs living under it. And yes
Gran was also still with us. One place I slept in the
same room as Gran with a curtain in between and I
was always so scared I would wake up and find Gran
dead. Just a childhood fear manifested. I also
remembering hiding from gran at the top of an big
pine tree all day and knew I would get a beating when
I got down and yes I did. Gran minded us while my
mother and stepfather milked the cows and did the
farm duties.
north of the North Island to a few places like Ruawai
and Dargaville. We moved around so much I went to a
different school every year and it is all a bit of am
blur. My mother and stepfather became share
milkers
looking after the farm and living in the old old
cottages while the Land owner has his big mansion.
One house we lived in had pigs living under it. And yes
Gran was also still with us. One place I slept in the
same room as Gran with a curtain in between and I
was always so scared I would wake up and find Gran
dead. Just a childhood fear manifested. I also
remembering hiding from gran at the top of an big
pine tree all day and knew I would get a beating when
I got down and yes I did. Gran minded us while my
mother and stepfather milked the cows and did the
farm duties.
Due to shifting every years I never had childhood
friends and can’t remember many names of any school
friends. However I developed a love of sport
especially swimming and running and by the age of 12
years old was the Champion of the North Island in
swimming and in running. I was being trained by one
of the All Black footballers how to run and remember
how he taught me how to run the right way. I loved
the steeple chase or long g distance as called today
and use d to run with the boys as there was no long
distance for girls in those days. I came third with the
boys one time. The only time I got praise from my
mother was when she used to stand at the end of the
athletic course and yell come on Pam. My mother did
not cuddle me or tell me she loved me. She showed it
by always making sure I had a nice clean warm bed
and made me nice clothes, knitted me many jumpers
and cardigans and was a great cook. She just did not
know how to show her feelings emotionally. I craved
hugs so the sexual abuse was all the touching I got.
friends and can’t remember many names of any school
friends. However I developed a love of sport
especially swimming and running and by the age of 12
years old was the Champion of the North Island in
swimming and in running. I was being trained by one
of the All Black footballers how to run and remember
how he taught me how to run the right way. I loved
the steeple chase or long g distance as called today
and use d to run with the boys as there was no long
distance for girls in those days. I came third with the
boys one time. The only time I got praise from my
mother was when she used to stand at the end of the
athletic course and yell come on Pam. My mother did
not cuddle me or tell me she loved me. She showed it
by always making sure I had a nice clean warm bed
and made me nice clothes, knitted me many jumpers
and cardigans and was a great cook. She just did not
know how to show her feelings emotionally. I craved
hugs so the sexual abuse was all the touching I got.
When we lived in Ruawai I came down the hill on my
bike and fell off and ended up in Dargaville hospital
with my knee in a cast for a few weeks. My mother
wasn’t coping at one time and my brother Les and I
were sent to a health camp for 6 weeks and I hated
it? We lived on horrible food and I hate green
chockos to this day. For some reason all the girls who
were booked into this place way out in the country did
not arrive. So there were only 3 girls in the large
dormitory for around twenty beds. Myself another Kiwi
white girl and a lovely Maori girl. We used to have an
afternoon sleep every day and I can remember being
given the strap for not sleeping. I just could not sleep
either day or night. That was due to the sexual abuse I
was experiencing when I was home by my stepfather
and I just was a bad sleeper right from a small baby so
I was told by my mother. So I may have been born
with Fibromyalgia.?
bike and fell off and ended up in Dargaville hospital
with my knee in a cast for a few weeks. My mother
wasn’t coping at one time and my brother Les and I
were sent to a health camp for 6 weeks and I hated
it? We lived on horrible food and I hate green
chockos to this day. For some reason all the girls who
were booked into this place way out in the country did
not arrive. So there were only 3 girls in the large
dormitory for around twenty beds. Myself another Kiwi
white girl and a lovely Maori girl. We used to have an
afternoon sleep every day and I can remember being
given the strap for not sleeping. I just could not sleep
either day or night. That was due to the sexual abuse I
was experiencing when I was home by my stepfather
and I just was a bad sleeper right from a small baby so
I was told by my mother. So I may have been born
with Fibromyalgia.?
My memory is vague at this health camp but I do
remember feeling alone and abandoned by my mother
and grandmother. Safe from my stepfather.
remember feeling alone and abandoned by my mother
and grandmother. Safe from my stepfather.
At the health camp I met a Maori man who taught me
how to play the bones and then I went onto learn how
to play the spoons. This made my stay here bearable. I
still play the spoons to this day but not so good due to
my arthritic hands.
how to play the bones and then I went onto learn how
to play the spoons. This made my stay here bearable. I
still play the spoons to this day but not so good due to
my arthritic hands.
Shifting back to Ruawai again to another farm when
I was around 10 t0 12 years old ( I moved every year
of my life ).always in the middle of a school year.
Here I focused on my sports ability in running and
swimming again and looking back it was my way to get
away from the abuse at home. I was a dreamer and
always waited for my biological father to come to
save me, but he never did and my mother would not
tell me anything about him. He was my mystery man,
the Prince Charming to come and save me and all I
wanted was for my daddy to come.
I was around 10 t0 12 years old ( I moved every year
of my life ).always in the middle of a school year.
Here I focused on my sports ability in running and
swimming again and looking back it was my way to get
away from the abuse at home. I was a dreamer and
always waited for my biological father to come to
save me, but he never did and my mother would not
tell me anything about him. He was my mystery man,
the Prince Charming to come and save me and all I
wanted was for my daddy to come.
We moved to a place called Rama Rama south of
Auckland near Papakura and Pukekohe districts. When
I was about thirteen years old. We lived in a very
small farm house with only 2 bedrooms and my
brother had to go through may room to a little out
cove to his part in the room. I don’t know where my
younger half-sister slept? My memory is very vague at
some points mainly to disassociation an abused child’s
coping mechanism.
Auckland near Papakura and Pukekohe districts. When
I was about thirteen years old. We lived in a very
small farm house with only 2 bedrooms and my
brother had to go through may room to a little out
cove to his part in the room. I don’t know where my
younger half-sister slept? My memory is very vague at
some points mainly to disassociation an abused child’s
coping mechanism.
The farm was a strawberry farm and I used to have to
get up before school and chase all the birds away and
to pick strawberries for no pocket money. I was tired
before I even got to school. I wonder why?
get up before school and chase all the birds away and
to pick strawberries for no pocket money. I was tired
before I even got to school. I wonder why?
I went to Pukekohe High school and was picked by a
school bus and it seemed a long way back and forth
every day. At night I used to try to run around the
small farm my way of getting away from all my
problems. I had the passion for running and had an
goal to train for the Olympics that was my dream. I
tried so hard to run as fast and as far as I could. I
didn’t do well at school due to all the moving and so
running was what I was good at and enjoyed. The
for feeling okay but never really well)
It was while we were living at Rama Rama that my
step father who had got swine fever a few years
earlier and also emphysema ( being a strong
smoker) suddenly became converted to the Seventh
Day Adventist church and there is where my dreams
began to fade away.He suddenly became very
religious
in an over the top way and behaved in a terrible way
in the name of religion. The abuse to me stopped in
regards to the physical touching of my body but then
the emotional and verbal abuse began. I was not
allowed to go to sport on Saturdays so my running
days went. I was made to go to church every Saturday
even if I didn’t want to go I had no choice. Neither did
my brother or sister. School was made harder as I was
seen as a weird person with a weird religion I didn’t
understand but was made to study the teachings of the
Seventh Day Adventist church. I was brain washed and
had no choice.
step father who had got swine fever a few years
earlier and also emphysema ( being a strong
smoker) suddenly became converted to the Seventh
Day Adventist church and there is where my dreams
began to fade away.He suddenly became very
religious
in an over the top way and behaved in a terrible way
in the name of religion. The abuse to me stopped in
regards to the physical touching of my body but then
the emotional and verbal abuse began. I was not
allowed to go to sport on Saturdays so my running
days went. I was made to go to church every Saturday
even if I didn’t want to go I had no choice. Neither did
my brother or sister. School was made harder as I was
seen as a weird person with a weird religion I didn’t
understand but was made to study the teachings of the
Seventh Day Adventist church. I was brain washed and
had no choice.
My stepfather would not let me listen to the 1960s
music or anything that the ordinary teenagers at
school were doing. I became a hermit in my own
family inside myself. I was not allowed to have a
was made to wear a dress to the water when I went
swimming. This was so my stepfather was not excited
by my emerging teenage body. He had to hide his
sexual abuse and made me the scapegoat. But making
me un sexy via my mother. He would not directly tell
me but would have arguments with my mother and
then she would come and tell me what and I could and
forgiven man due to his new religion so it didn’t
matter what I had suffered in the past. He though he
was saved and forgiven, so it didn’t matter the
damage it had done to me. Leopards don’t change
their spots, especially a paedophile.
As I struggled through school and did not do very well,
I was always sick catching every flu and bug that
went
around. I had bad periods every month rolling around
in pain. Was always having very bad pain all over and
especially in my right side. My parents never told me
anything about sex or anything about the birds and the
bees. So when I was staying overnight with a school
friend I got my period and thought I was dying? My
friend’s mother was so kind and explained it all to me
and got some rags which were used in those days to
wear. To take the flow of blood. I bleed allot making
me very weak.
I was always sick catching every flu and bug that
went
around. I had bad periods every month rolling around
in pain. Was always having very bad pain all over and
especially in my right side. My parents never told me
anything about sex or anything about the birds and the
bees. So when I was staying overnight with a school
friend I got my period and thought I was dying? My
friend’s mother was so kind and explained it all to me
and got some rags which were used in those days to
wear. To take the flow of blood. I bleed allot making
me very weak.
One of the not many funny things I can remember
knew, I seemed to have small breasts, compared to
the other girls. My mother was a very good sewer and
I found some stuffing type material and decided to
stuff my bathers with this and lo and behold one day
while in the swimming pool this material went
floating to the surface and I would not admit they
were mine, but I knew everyone knew it was me. But
the girls never said anything or teased me. Mind you I
got bullied and teased most of my life at the many
schools being the new kid at school and pug nose was
one name I was given due to my pointy nose which I
disliked so much as a child and my younger years.
However today I like my nose.
knew, I seemed to have small breasts, compared to
the other girls. My mother was a very good sewer and
I found some stuffing type material and decided to
stuff my bathers with this and lo and behold one day
while in the swimming pool this material went
floating to the surface and I would not admit they
were mine, but I knew everyone knew it was me. But
the girls never said anything or teased me. Mind you I
got bullied and teased most of my life at the many
schools being the new kid at school and pug nose was
one name I was given due to my pointy nose which I
disliked so much as a child and my younger years.
However today I like my nose.
My mother was a very good cook and good at sewing
and knitting but when I tried to learn I was very
clumsy with my hands and my mother had not
patience with me and would grab them out of
and knitting but when I tried to learn I was very
clumsy with my hands and my mother had not
patience with me and would grab them out of
my hands and say I was ca ck handed so I never learnt
to cook or knit and sew. Yet my sister Ethel was
taught all this skills. I felt so helpless and so dumb.
Not a help to my very low self-esteem
to cook or knit and sew. Yet my sister Ethel was
taught all this skills. I felt so helpless and so dumb.
Not a help to my very low self-esteem
My life form 13 to 15 was going to church studying
the bible and church church church. It was then I was
again in an abusive place. Two elders at the Seventh
Day Adventist church we attended who came from a
well-known SDA church family and were brothers
began to take advantage or my emerging sexuality
and body changes. They were around ten years older
than myself and I thought they were handsome and
because they paid me much attention and would give
me a hug when my stepfather and mother were not
looking , the only reason I liked going to church was
my crush on these two men who gave me the only
attention I knew. (Sexual. Attention.) So I would make
my outfits which my mother made and I would pick
colours and designs I knew suited me and would try to
make them shorter as I could get away with and I had
learnt at an early age the only way to get any
touching or affection was to be sexy. I didn’t know any
different. No hugs at home.
the bible and church church church. It was then I was
again in an abusive place. Two elders at the Seventh
Day Adventist church we attended who came from a
well-known SDA church family and were brothers
began to take advantage or my emerging sexuality
and body changes. They were around ten years older
than myself and I thought they were handsome and
because they paid me much attention and would give
me a hug when my stepfather and mother were not
looking , the only reason I liked going to church was
my crush on these two men who gave me the only
attention I knew. (Sexual. Attention.) So I would make
my outfits which my mother made and I would pick
colours and designs I knew suited me and would try to
make them shorter as I could get away with and I had
learnt at an early age the only way to get any
touching or affection was to be sexy. I didn’t know any
different. No hugs at home.
As I attended the church camps I would make sure I
was near these two men and I knew they were both
attracted to me even though they were married men.
was near these two men and I knew they were both
attracted to me even though they were married men.
When I was fifteen years old I was made to leave
school and was found a job in a cake shop in Papakura
not far from Rama Rama. I was still living at home
and still having ill health with the pains in my side, so
I had allot of time off. But the owners of the Bakery
Mr and Mrs Nissen who came from Denmark loved me
and gave me the much needed time off. I will always
remember how kind they were to me. Teaching me
how to use the money register and to add up and pack
up cakes.
school and was found a job in a cake shop in Papakura
not far from Rama Rama. I was still living at home
and still having ill health with the pains in my side, so
I had allot of time off. But the owners of the Bakery
Mr and Mrs Nissen who came from Denmark loved me
and gave me the much needed time off. I will always
remember how kind they were to me. Teaching me
how to use the money register and to add up and pack
up cakes.
It was while after many visits to Doctors, as my
mother was concerned about my health and tried
everything to help me. I was suddenly made to
become a vegetarian at aged thirteen and I remember
one Doctor telling my mother that I needed a good
piece of steak and my mother went and bought me
some every now and then and would cook it when my
stepfather was away and I was told not to tell
anybody.
mother was concerned about my health and tried
everything to help me. I was suddenly made to
become a vegetarian at aged thirteen and I remember
one Doctor telling my mother that I needed a good
piece of steak and my mother went and bought me
some every now and then and would cook it when my
stepfather was away and I was told not to tell
anybody.
It was here when I worked in the cake shop that the
two elders would come in and I will call them Guy and
Garth. They used to flirt with me and then one day
Garth asked me to meet him in lunch hour in his car
and that is when the abuse and affair with him began.
He used a minor and a vulnerable young woman who
was broken goods already and hurting and looking for
love and even though I went along with all this
attention, he was the adult and should have known
better.
two elders would come in and I will call them Guy and
Garth. They used to flirt with me and then one day
Garth asked me to meet him in lunch hour in his car
and that is when the abuse and affair with him began.
He used a minor and a vulnerable young woman who
was broken goods already and hurting and looking for
love and even though I went along with all this
attention, he was the adult and should have known
better.
So this affair went on for over 5 years on and off. At
aged fifteen years old he would come into the Bakery
and flirt with me along with his brother Guy who also
knew what was going on. So the hiding in Garth's car
and bobbing down if anyone came along as he used to
drive me out into the country where he would have
sex with me. One time he took me home to his house
where in his bedroom I lay with him while his wife was
having their second child. I know feel so bad about
that but at the time I was a child seizing the only
affection I knew.
aged fifteen years old he would come into the Bakery
and flirt with me along with his brother Guy who also
knew what was going on. So the hiding in Garth's car
and bobbing down if anyone came along as he used to
drive me out into the country where he would have
sex with me. One time he took me home to his house
where in his bedroom I lay with him while his wife was
having their second child. I know feel so bad about
that but at the time I was a child seizing the only
affection I knew.
I worked at the bakery the year I was fifteen and
when I turned sixteen I was sent to Long Burn Seventh
Day Adventist Boarding College in Palmerston North a
twelve hour trip from Papakura. The year I worked at
the bakery I was often off sick with very bad pains in
my side and finally I was diagnosed in having 4 or 5
large gall stones. The specialist was amazed as I was
the youngest in New Zealand at that time to have had
gallstones at such a young age. They say it is usually
fair ,fat and forty and I was none of those things. My
name was put on the hospital public waiting list to
have the operation. At least we knew what had been
causing all the pain I had been having.
when I turned sixteen I was sent to Long Burn Seventh
Day Adventist Boarding College in Palmerston North a
twelve hour trip from Papakura. The year I worked at
the bakery I was often off sick with very bad pains in
my side and finally I was diagnosed in having 4 or 5
large gall stones. The specialist was amazed as I was
the youngest in New Zealand at that time to have had
gallstones at such a young age. They say it is usually
fair ,fat and forty and I was none of those things. My
name was put on the hospital public waiting list to
have the operation. At least we knew what had been
causing all the pain I had been having.
I was made to give most of the money I earned to my
parents to help pay for my college fees and someone
else in the Papakura Seventh Day Adventist church
paid the rest for my parents. I never found who it was
but had an idea.?
parents to help pay for my college fees and someone
else in the Papakura Seventh Day Adventist church
paid the rest for my parents. I never found who it was
but had an idea.?
I was also not allowed to choice my subjects as my
stepfather chose then for me as he had done all
through my school life.
stepfather chose then for me as he had done all
through my school life.
So at aged sixteen in 1962 I made the long over
night train trip to college boarding school which I
disliked. I seemed like I was always been sent away
and always felt abandoned.
night train trip to college boarding school which I
disliked. I seemed like I was always been sent away
and always felt abandoned.
Arriving at college I shared a room with an older girl
whose name I cannot remember but she came from a
very strict SDA family like me. I did my best to not
get homesick for the attention of Garth who I wouldn’t
see for a year. He was my secret joy I carried in my
heart at that time. Like the mystery of not knowing
my biological father. I kept getting sick and on one
occasion I was rushed to the local hospital in
Palmerston North and saw a Dr called Dr Crisp. I told
him I had gallstones and he looked at me and said
“girl
what makes you think such utter rot you are way too
young to have them”. I just cried and said “I do have
them”. Eventually after 3 or 4 visits to the hospital I
was x-ray ed and yes there were the gall stones but of
course no apology was given to me.
whose name I cannot remember but she came from a
very strict SDA family like me. I did my best to not
get homesick for the attention of Garth who I wouldn’t
see for a year. He was my secret joy I carried in my
heart at that time. Like the mystery of not knowing
my biological father. I kept getting sick and on one
occasion I was rushed to the local hospital in
Palmerston North and saw a Dr called Dr Crisp. I told
him I had gallstones and he looked at me and said
“girl
what makes you think such utter rot you are way too
young to have them”. I just cried and said “I do have
them”. Eventually after 3 or 4 visits to the hospital I
was x-ray ed and yes there were the gall stones but of
course no apology was given to me.
Here I was away from my parents and siblings in a
strange place and hospital having a major operation to
have the gall stones out. I was very sick with a scar
right across my belly and the drain hurt as I can still
remember it. So I did not do much schooling and when
I came out of hospital I went to stay with the headmaster and his wife in his nice house next to the
college. Of course my mother or any of my family
came to be with me. I went through this scary
operation all alone.
strange place and hospital having a major operation to
have the gall stones out. I was very sick with a scar
right across my belly and the drain hurt as I can still
remember it. So I did not do much schooling and when
I came out of hospital I went to stay with the headmaster and his wife in his nice house next to the
college. Of course my mother or any of my family
came to be with me. I went through this scary
operation all alone.
But all through this I caught the eye of a young man
called Bryan who was attracted to me and he
supported me allot in his way through this time. We
were allowed to have a night every now and then
when a male student could ask a female student to
have dinner with them in the dining room. Prior to that
girls sat with girls and boys with boys. Bryan so was
my first real boyfriend and we sat together quite a few
times over that year. Every term most students went
home but I had to stay and so dint get top go home in
the 3 terms. One term when I was over my operation I
was allowed to go to Wellington and stay with Bryan
and his mother. I really felt wanted then and was nice
to get a break from the dormitory at college.
called Bryan who was attracted to me and he
supported me allot in his way through this time. We
were allowed to have a night every now and then
when a male student could ask a female student to
have dinner with them in the dining room. Prior to that
girls sat with girls and boys with boys. Bryan so was
my first real boyfriend and we sat together quite a few
times over that year. Every term most students went
home but I had to stay and so dint get top go home in
the 3 terms. One term when I was over my operation I
was allowed to go to Wellington and stay with Bryan
and his mother. I really felt wanted then and was nice
to get a break from the dormitory at college.
When I came home at the end of 1962 year with an
added scar on my belly and full of wanting to tell
many stories I was shut down by my step father but
was able to tell my mother when he wasn’t around
including my relationship with Bryan (which was non
sexual.) My mother always sent me parcels at college
and made me clothes and sent things when I was in
hospital but this was always behind my stepfathers
back so I could never write and thank her. So thanked
her when I got home.
added scar on my belly and full of wanting to tell
many stories I was shut down by my step father but
was able to tell my mother when he wasn’t around
including my relationship with Bryan (which was non
sexual.) My mother always sent me parcels at college
and made me clothes and sent things when I was in
hospital but this was always behind my stepfathers
back so I could never write and thank her. So thanked
her when I got home.
I of course after a year was looking forward to
seeing Garth again and see how he would be with me
and yes he still was interested in me and we began
our secret meetings when I could sneak out from my
family. The church would have a picnic at the local
beach on a Sunday sometimes and as I loved the water
and swimming. I would go to the end of the jetty and
dive off and would often find Garth secretly coming up
behind me under the jetty and caress me. He seemed
to enjoy doing this with his wife sitting on the shore
line (beach). He seemed to like being bad with me. So
I told him about Bryan and I sensed he was jealous but
did not think any more about it until a year later. I
was only home about two months to have my
seventeenth birthday before I went back to college.
seeing Garth again and see how he would be with me
and yes he still was interested in me and we began
our secret meetings when I could sneak out from my
family. The church would have a picnic at the local
beach on a Sunday sometimes and as I loved the water
and swimming. I would go to the end of the jetty and
dive off and would often find Garth secretly coming up
behind me under the jetty and caress me. He seemed
to enjoy doing this with his wife sitting on the shore
line (beach). He seemed to like being bad with me. So
I told him about Bryan and I sensed he was jealous but
did not think any more about it until a year later. I
was only home about two months to have my
seventeenth birthday before I went back to college.
Birthdays and Christmases’ were never celebrated in
my family right from aged five when my stepfather
came into the picture. He didn’t believe in them so
we never had birthday gifts or parties like other
children did and we never celebrated Christmas. So I
used to go to school and pretend what I had got as I
felt so left out and embarrassed about being different
to others. So I have always felt strange when given a
gift as don’t know how to show my thanks very well.
Another scar I carry to this day. I enjoy giving to
others and love wrapping up gifts for my friends.
my family right from aged five when my stepfather
came into the picture. He didn’t believe in them so
we never had birthday gifts or parties like other
children did and we never celebrated Christmas. So I
used to go to school and pretend what I had got as I
felt so left out and embarrassed about being different
to others. So I have always felt strange when given a
gift as don’t know how to show my thanks very well.
Another scar I carry to this day. I enjoy giving to
others and love wrapping up gifts for my friends.
I went back to college in 1963 aged seventeen and my
parents moved from Rama Rama to Mercer near the
Waikato river and while living there we all got
aluminium poisoning and the whole family was very
books for the SDA church.
My 1963 year at college was so so as I didn't do too
well in my studies due to the interruption the year
prior. And my stepfather was very upset with me, but
I tried my best.
Bryan was at college and we continued our friendship
and I thought he would be who I may marry.
and I thought he would be who I may marry.
However once I left college and once I turned eighteen
in 1964 my parents were back on a farm in Mata Mata
where I lived with them for a while, working at a
local factory. While there I was still in contact with
Bryan in Wellington but for some reason I told him
about my affair with Garth and Bryan dumped me. I
was heartbroken. Then Uncle Kirk my stepfather’s
brother whom I always thought was my real father
came along with his wife and young son Simon and
asked me if Id like a holiday in Christchurch with
them. He had to go back to his big farm up north. So I
was excited and said yes and went off with my Aunty
Margaret and Simon to Christchurch where we did
allot of sightseeing. We stayed at the Peoples Palace
and I had a nice room to myself and I felt so happy
being away from the stress of living at home. While
we were there I met my first husband to be Tony. He
was an Australian three years older than myself and
was staying also at the Peoples Palace run by the
Salvation Army. He was up with all the latest music
and as I wasn’t allowed to listen to the radio and top
hits did not know much about all the hits of the early
sixties. Tony played me some and I found him
interesting and after two weeks of seeing each other
we exchanged addresses with each other when I left.
Tony was working in Christchurch.
in 1964 my parents were back on a farm in Mata Mata
where I lived with them for a while, working at a
local factory. While there I was still in contact with
Bryan in Wellington but for some reason I told him
about my affair with Garth and Bryan dumped me. I
was heartbroken. Then Uncle Kirk my stepfather’s
brother whom I always thought was my real father
came along with his wife and young son Simon and
asked me if Id like a holiday in Christchurch with
them. He had to go back to his big farm up north. So I
was excited and said yes and went off with my Aunty
Margaret and Simon to Christchurch where we did
allot of sightseeing. We stayed at the Peoples Palace
and I had a nice room to myself and I felt so happy
being away from the stress of living at home. While
we were there I met my first husband to be Tony. He
was an Australian three years older than myself and
was staying also at the Peoples Palace run by the
Salvation Army. He was up with all the latest music
and as I wasn’t allowed to listen to the radio and top
hits did not know much about all the hits of the early
sixties. Tony played me some and I found him
interesting and after two weeks of seeing each other
we exchanged addresses with each other when I left.
Tony was working in Christchurch.
My Uncle Kirk and Aunty Margaret had an argument
over the phone and she came to me and asked if I
would go back to the farm to care for Simon as she
was going to stay with her sister for a while.
over the phone and she came to me and asked if I
would go back to the farm to care for Simon as she
was going to stay with her sister for a while.
So I said yes and it was Okay ed by my parents. This
was a big mistake. I arrived on the farm and when
Simon who was around aged ten or twelve went to bed
it was just Uncle Kirk and I and I still was thinking he
was my real father due to his intimate actions
towards me? But one night I woke to find him on top of
me in my bed and before I could kick or scream I was
raped by him. I again disassociated myself and was
numb yet scared. From then on I would push a big
wardrobe against my door so he could not get in. I
then started to plan a way of escape as I was to go to
live in Papakura with Maureen and Gary as I had a job
to go to in Papakura. There was a farm hand working
on the farm and I confided in him and he got me out
and drove me to Auckland one day when my Uncle
went into the town for supplies. Again another big
mistake as he put me up in a hotel and yes he then
had sex with me. I was a mixed up young woman
being abused everywhere I turned. I never told anyone
about all this for many years as I knew I would not be
believed.
was a big mistake. I arrived on the farm and when
Simon who was around aged ten or twelve went to bed
it was just Uncle Kirk and I and I still was thinking he
was my real father due to his intimate actions
towards me? But one night I woke to find him on top of
me in my bed and before I could kick or scream I was
raped by him. I again disassociated myself and was
numb yet scared. From then on I would push a big
wardrobe against my door so he could not get in. I
then started to plan a way of escape as I was to go to
live in Papakura with Maureen and Gary as I had a job
to go to in Papakura. There was a farm hand working
on the farm and I confided in him and he got me out
and drove me to Auckland one day when my Uncle
went into the town for supplies. Again another big
mistake as he put me up in a hotel and yes he then
had sex with me. I was a mixed up young woman
being abused everywhere I turned. I never told anyone
about all this for many years as I knew I would not be
believed.
I finally arrived in Papakura around early 1965 to stay
with my now dear friend Maureen.
with my now dear friend Maureen.
I was still in contact with Terry who was still in
Christchurch working and I worked in a factory in
Papakura and would baby sit Maureen’s children while
she and her husband worked in a café they owned.
However late at night I would feel a man in my room
and I would pretend to be asleep as the husband
would play with my sexual parts. Not a word was
spoken then or ever. I just wanted to get away from
all this horror.
Christchurch working and I worked in a factory in
Papakura and would baby sit Maureen’s children while
she and her husband worked in a café they owned.
However late at night I would feel a man in my room
and I would pretend to be asleep as the husband
would play with my sexual parts. Not a word was
spoken then or ever. I just wanted to get away from
all this horror.
So when Tony decided to come up and get work near
me I was so excited and soon he was living in
Papakura and I could see him every day but still never
told him about the life I had had so far.
me I was so excited and soon he was living in
Papakura and I could see him every day but still never
told him about the life I had had so far.
I still saw Garth at church and he still gave me allot of
attention and when I was engaged to Tony he paid my
dentist bill. What a much needed gift. Tony and I
decided to get married in August 1966 when I was
twenty and he was twenty three. He was from
Australia so had no family in New Zealand and my
stepfather refused to give me a wedding much to my
mother’s heartache as she wanted to make my
wedding dress and help out. But she was under my
stepfather’s thumb and wasn’t allowed to have
anything to do with it. So my wedding was put
together with the help of members of the Seventh Day
Adventist Church and Maureen’s help. I bought a
second hand wedding dress and Maureen altered it for
me. I had Maureen’s adopted daughter Sharon as my
flower girl and she was a gorgeous little Maori girl.
Allyson mu god daughter was only two years old and
she was also in the wedding photos along with her
little brother Craig. I am still very close to Maureen
and Allyson to this day. They are the oldest friends I
have as I never had school friends due to all the
moving as a child.
attention and when I was engaged to Tony he paid my
dentist bill. What a much needed gift. Tony and I
decided to get married in August 1966 when I was
twenty and he was twenty three. He was from
Australia so had no family in New Zealand and my
stepfather refused to give me a wedding much to my
mother’s heartache as she wanted to make my
wedding dress and help out. But she was under my
stepfather’s thumb and wasn’t allowed to have
anything to do with it. So my wedding was put
together with the help of members of the Seventh Day
Adventist Church and Maureen’s help. I bought a
second hand wedding dress and Maureen altered it for
me. I had Maureen’s adopted daughter Sharon as my
flower girl and she was a gorgeous little Maori girl.
Allyson mu god daughter was only two years old and
she was also in the wedding photos along with her
little brother Craig. I am still very close to Maureen
and Allyson to this day. They are the oldest friends I
have as I never had school friends due to all the
moving as a child.
My brother Les was at the wedding as he had left the
SDA church and I had one foot in and one out.at this
point in time.
SDA church and I had one foot in and one out.at this
point in time.
AUSTRALIA 1967
After our wedding Tony and I went to live on the
North
shore of Auckland where I worked in a printing factory
and Tony had some sort of shoe designer job. as that
was his trade
North
shore of Auckland where I worked in a printing factory
and Tony had some sort of shoe designer job. as that
was his trade
In 1967 Tony’s sister in law passed away giving birth to
her second child and Tony’s mother wanted him back
in Sydney Australia. So we packed up and left New
Zealand and I landed in a country where I knew no
one except my in-laws. We lived with Tony’s parents
for a while and I met his brother Jack who had just
lost his wife and had a small baby and a young two
year old daughter to bring up. This was being done by
his sister Barbara who was minding the two girls.
her second child and Tony’s mother wanted him back
in Sydney Australia. So we packed up and left New
Zealand and I landed in a country where I knew no
one except my in-laws. We lived with Tony’s parents
for a while and I met his brother Jack who had just
lost his wife and had a small baby and a young two
year old daughter to bring up. This was being done by
his sister Barbara who was minding the two girls.
When I arrived in Sydney from New Zealand I could not
believe how big the city was and how hot the weather
was. I had never experience all of this so was quite a
culture shock to a young twenty year old who had
been bought up a sheltered religious life. I had my first alcoholic drink and saw my first poker machines and pub life, counter meals and pub meals. I worked in various factories as we seemed to move a fair bit while I was in Sydney. It was then I was told Tony was in trouble with the police for false pretences and was in trouble with them somehow. I never really understood why we moved from flat to flat. Again I was on the move. Yet we always managed to catch up with Tony’s family and go to family meals and met at the pub. I could not believe my mother in law would sit at those darn poker machines and put through all her pay every week. I enjoyed the music as there was always entertainment and I would put five dollars in and that was for my entertainment and would leave empty handed or a small amount for my five dollars. Once I won quite allot but I still walked away with my winnings something my mother in law could not do.
believe how big the city was and how hot the weather
was. I had never experience all of this so was quite a
culture shock to a young twenty year old who had
been bought up a sheltered religious life. I had my first alcoholic drink and saw my first poker machines and pub life, counter meals and pub meals. I worked in various factories as we seemed to move a fair bit while I was in Sydney. It was then I was told Tony was in trouble with the police for false pretences and was in trouble with them somehow. I never really understood why we moved from flat to flat. Again I was on the move. Yet we always managed to catch up with Tony’s family and go to family meals and met at the pub. I could not believe my mother in law would sit at those darn poker machines and put through all her pay every week. I enjoyed the music as there was always entertainment and I would put five dollars in and that was for my entertainment and would leave empty handed or a small amount for my five dollars. Once I won quite allot but I still walked away with my winnings something my mother in law could not do.
Terry was friends with a man who I learnt was a
very much wanted con man and over the years I
would
see him on television over the years being wanted for
one scam or another. One day I can remember Terry
and this man would have me sitting down cutting out
kangaroo skins to make post cards and it was one idea
after another and they would disappear for days and
leave me alone. What they were doing I would find
out later. I was alone in a strange city in a strange
country with a husband who wasn’t supporting me in
any way.
very much wanted con man and over the years I
would
see him on television over the years being wanted for
one scam or another. One day I can remember Terry
and this man would have me sitting down cutting out
kangaroo skins to make post cards and it was one idea
after another and they would disappear for days and
leave me alone. What they were doing I would find
out later. I was alone in a strange city in a strange
country with a husband who wasn’t supporting me in
any way.
KINGS CROSS SYDNEY NSW 1967 1968
One day the pair disappeared and after a few weeks I
realized Terry was gone and not coming back.
realized Terry was gone and not coming back.
I was alone and felt I couldn’t turn to my in-laws or
his brother and sister. I found out Terry was in New
Zealand as he was in trouble with the Australian Police
and went to New Zealand to escape being caught for
false pretences. I was distraught and alone and I was
having many pains all over my body and very very
tired all the time. All I wanted to do was rest and at
aged 21 just couldn’t seem to keep up with others my
own age. I struggled to keep my job in a printing
factory and eventually it all got the better of me. I
had lost contact with my mother in New Zealand and
went into a depression. I took and over dose of
sleeping tablets and woke up in Gladesville hospital in
Sydney.
his brother and sister. I found out Terry was in New
Zealand as he was in trouble with the Australian Police
and went to New Zealand to escape being caught for
false pretences. I was distraught and alone and I was
having many pains all over my body and very very
tired all the time. All I wanted to do was rest and at
aged 21 just couldn’t seem to keep up with others my
own age. I struggled to keep my job in a printing
factory and eventually it all got the better of me. I
had lost contact with my mother in New Zealand and
went into a depression. I took and over dose of
sleeping tablets and woke up in Gladesville hospital in
Sydney.
I was in a ward with others with mental illness and
began treatment with a Dr John Castro who was a
treat psychologist and he would have me come into his
office every day for so called therapy.
began treatment with a Dr John Castro who was a
treat psychologist and he would have me come into his
office every day for so called therapy.
He soon found out my history and that I had no one to
care for once I was discharged from the hospital. He
began to make sexual advance to me and eventually
had sex with me in his hospital office. I was drugged
up with various medications. This monster took
advantage of me being very naive and used it to his
benefit. He made up some long lost relative to get me
out of the hospital and he set me up in a hotel in
Kings Cross Sydney Australia. I was his little mistress
and he was around the age of fifty at the time. He
would walk with me up Kings Cross and if I admired
something in the shop windows the next day it would
appear as a gift in my hotel room. I was waited on
and could have whatever I wanted to eat and every
day he would come and have sex with me. I felt
trapped and at the same time felt sort of safe as had
someone who cared for me even though I would shut
my yes and cringe at his sexual advances. After about
a month I was told by Dr John he had found an
apartment closer to his Chemist shop he owned in
Kings Cross as he was also an pharmacist. He said it
would be cheaper for him and I then had my own bed
sitter room in a large building with about ten other
bed sitters in there. I needed 3 keys to get to my
room so I felt quite safe there.
care for once I was discharged from the hospital. He
began to make sexual advance to me and eventually
had sex with me in his hospital office. I was drugged
up with various medications. This monster took
advantage of me being very naive and used it to his
benefit. He made up some long lost relative to get me
out of the hospital and he set me up in a hotel in
Kings Cross Sydney Australia. I was his little mistress
and he was around the age of fifty at the time. He
would walk with me up Kings Cross and if I admired
something in the shop windows the next day it would
appear as a gift in my hotel room. I was waited on
and could have whatever I wanted to eat and every
day he would come and have sex with me. I felt
trapped and at the same time felt sort of safe as had
someone who cared for me even though I would shut
my yes and cringe at his sexual advances. After about
a month I was told by Dr John he had found an
apartment closer to his Chemist shop he owned in
Kings Cross as he was also an pharmacist. He said it
would be cheaper for him and I then had my own bed
sitter room in a large building with about ten other
bed sitters in there. I needed 3 keys to get to my
room so I felt quite safe there.
The room consisted of a bed, lounge, TV, small
kitchen and bathroom. I go to see my first lot of
television alone and then during the day John took me
to the Chemist and taught me how to sell and how to
use the cash register and soon I was also his shop
assistant. I enjoyed working in the Chemist shop as
loved to try out the makeup and the perfumes and
then sell them. I would get a nice pat on the back and
praise for making such a good sale. I was not allowed
to wear makeup growing up so I made up for it by
learning all about skin care and women’s cosmetic’s. I
was very naive in the beginning as the chemist shop
was very close to many brothels which I never knew
what they were or anything about prostitution but I
learnt fast. The girls would come in for condoms and I
had to learn what they were and then they would say
can I have a packet of condoms and when I have had a
bang I will pay you back. I soon learnt what that
meant and would have the girl’s names down in a
special book and after an hour they would come in and
questions and I think John used to enjoy my nativity
and enjoyed explaining to me what various sexual
words meant and acts were to me. John was very
protective of me and would not let the pimps near me
as they tried on many occasions to get him to put me
do that. John would enjoy walking up the Cross with
me and made me hold his arm and he was very well
known by all in the Cross. He took me to many strip
how all these beautiful woman dancing were actually
men.
I found that hard to fathom. Also when transvestites
would come into the shop I was often heard
whispering to John. Is that a man or a woman and he
would get great joy in telling me and told me to look
at their hands and you could then tell they were men
by their shape and larger hands. So I became a hand
watcher. John took me to see Hair the musical when it
opened in the Cross around 1968 and I loved the show
that I went alone a few times later and would end up
on the stage dancing my heart out. I found my joy of
the sixties music and loved the dancing and found I
had good rhythm as had never danced before. John
began to let me walk up the Cross on my own as long
as I was back in a certain time. There were no mobile
phone then but he always seemed to know where I
was. I used to walk the Cross day and night and I felt
protected as it seemed I was known as Johns girl and
not to touch me. I used to sit day and evenings near
the fountain and watch the pigeons and fed them. I
would look at the people passing by and wonder who
they were and where they were going. Since then my
fear of being alone in strange places never bothered
me. Hence the various events further on in my life
where I went and what I did, things others would
criticize me for.it?
would come into the shop I was often heard
whispering to John. Is that a man or a woman and he
would get great joy in telling me and told me to look
at their hands and you could then tell they were men
by their shape and larger hands. So I became a hand
watcher. John took me to see Hair the musical when it
opened in the Cross around 1968 and I loved the show
that I went alone a few times later and would end up
on the stage dancing my heart out. I found my joy of
the sixties music and loved the dancing and found I
had good rhythm as had never danced before. John
began to let me walk up the Cross on my own as long
as I was back in a certain time. There were no mobile
phone then but he always seemed to know where I
was. I used to walk the Cross day and night and I felt
protected as it seemed I was known as Johns girl and
not to touch me. I used to sit day and evenings near
the fountain and watch the pigeons and fed them. I
would look at the people passing by and wonder who
they were and where they were going. Since then my
fear of being alone in strange places never bothered
me. Hence the various events further on in my life
where I went and what I did, things others would
criticize me for.it?
My sense of danger was disassociated from me during
this time in Kings Cross and stayed with me for most
of my life. I knew no better and my body just
followed that numb feeling where as others would be
terrified.
this time in Kings Cross and stayed with me for most
of my life. I knew no better and my body just
followed that numb feeling where as others would be
terrified.
I began to grow up in the Cross and John showed me
how to dress like a lady and then like a tart depending
on his mood. There used to be a strange man called
Joe who used to come into the shop quite often and he
and John would talk together in private and I would
notice John would give Joe something. I found out
later he was giving Joe drugs. Joe was a small man
with a scar above his mouth and always wore and
cape and I found him a little scary. I found out later
he was an underworld guy and was also a hit man. He
would say to John “I will be away for a week or so as I
have a job to do, then I will be back”. I began to
know that job was a murder somewhere? I just again
coped with my fear by disassociating myself and
looking down on the situation like it was a dream and
that is how I coped all my life. So I was quite scared
of this Joe guy.
how to dress like a lady and then like a tart depending
on his mood. There used to be a strange man called
Joe who used to come into the shop quite often and he
and John would talk together in private and I would
notice John would give Joe something. I found out
later he was giving Joe drugs. Joe was a small man
with a scar above his mouth and always wore and
cape and I found him a little scary. I found out later
he was an underworld guy and was also a hit man. He
would say to John “I will be away for a week or so as I
have a job to do, then I will be back”. I began to
know that job was a murder somewhere? I just again
coped with my fear by disassociating myself and
looking down on the situation like it was a dream and
that is how I coped all my life. So I was quite scared
of this Joe guy.
One day I had had an argument with John about
something I can’t remember may have been flirting
with another man or made him cross with me in some
way. John went for a walk up the Cross and left me
alone in the shop as he had often done now trusting
me with selling. I was in the back of the shop when
suddenly Joe came up behind me with a gun between
my back ribs. He said if you don’t keep John happy I
will find your husband Tony and kill him? He also said
he knew where Tony and his friend were? I was
terrified and said yes yes I will keep John happy and
was made not to tell John what had just happened?
Johns wife used to visit the Chemist shop occasionally
and knew me as the new shop assistant and so she did
not know I was her husband’s little mistress. I really
felt trapped again as had been talking about Tony to
John and Joe must of overheard as I was wondering
where he was and what he was doing and in my heart I
certainly wasn’t the time to do that just after I had
been threatened by Joe. Over the time I was there in
the Cross as Johns mistress he would at various times
give me a tablet and say take that it would do you
good. I would not dare say no and thought it was
some type of vitamin and after I would take it had
various side effects. Sometimes I would loose a few
days and sometimes I would feel very sexual. So I still
do not know what kind of drugs he was giving me.
John just how to keep me hooked into him and
reliant on him. He would take me to his Psychology
Clinic where he taught me how to test children and
adults for colour blindness.
I would feel so proud when marking the results and
giving them to John and tell him who were colour
would praise me and say I would of made a good
doctor. So the praise and spoiling me along with the
sexual abuse went hand in hand. I began to dislike the
sexual part as being a big overweight Greek man with
garlic breath I began to feel repulsed sexually by him
but I knew I had to play the game to keep him happy
so did so with gritted teeth and pretended I enjoyed
everything?
One night I was asleep in my apartment I was woken
up by Joe again with his pistol. How did he get
through the three doors to me? I lay petrified as he
questioned me about the keys to the drug cupboard?
He wanted to know if I had them and I had to say I was
never given the keys to that cupboard and that they
were always strapped to John’s waist on a long chain
. I never had a spare and I think he kept his spare key
at his home residence? As Joe left I began to shake
and felt real fear of this horrible little yet scary man.
It was then I wanted to escape and I wanted to leave.
I gently began telling John how much I missed my
husband
Terry and wondered where he was? Eventually John
asked
Joe to find out where Tony was? Within a day Joe
came and said your husband is in Perth and will be
crossing the Nullarbor road from Perth to Adelaide. I
wondered how Joe knew all this and yet he was right.
A few weeks later I found out Terry and his mate had
been arrested and was in the Port Lincoln jail in South
it was a long way from where I was living.
ADELAIDE SOUTH AUSTRALIA
I tried to keep myself composed and not think too
much about Terry but behind John and Joes back I
wrote to Terry in jail and gave him my address in Kings
Cross. Terry replied to me and told me he would be in
jail for around six months or more. After or around
two years of not seeing him I began to have feeling for
my husband and wanted to see him again. I again
gently told John and once John knew I really wanted
to see Terry again he offered to pay for a return trip
to Port Lincoln thinking I would come back to him in
the Cross. Joe again came into the picture and told
me don’t you dare let John down and make sure your
come back. I of course said yes I would.
much about Terry but behind John and Joes back I
wrote to Terry in jail and gave him my address in Kings
Cross. Terry replied to me and told me he would be in
jail for around six months or more. After or around
two years of not seeing him I began to have feeling for
my husband and wanted to see him again. I again
gently told John and once John knew I really wanted
to see Terry again he offered to pay for a return trip
to Port Lincoln thinking I would come back to him in
the Cross. Joe again came into the picture and told
me don’t you dare let John down and make sure your
come back. I of course said yes I would.
So sometime early 1969 I flew to Port Lincoln and
stayed in a hotel courtesy of John to meet my
husband again. I visited the jail and over a few days
knew I wanted to get back with my much younger
handsome husband and not the big fat Greek
happened to me while we were apart and Terry just
kept saying he would make it up to me and that he
still loved me.
As I was in contact with John via phone I was very
worried how I would tell him I wanted to stay in
Adelaide and not come back to him. I also was very
scared of hit man Joe and knew he would find me if I
upset John. However fate took pity on me in some
weird way. One day I phoned Johns number and got
Johns wife on the phone. I was told John was in
hospital with a very bad heart attack and he passed
to John and he was now being taken care of by his
wife. I was very relieved yet still scared Joe would
find me and was always looking over my shoulder for
many years to come.
Terry was sent to Yatala the jail in Adelaide so I was
able to visit him every weekend.
able to visit him every weekend.
I got a room boarding with and elderly lady in
Woodville on the Port road and had a job in a
pharmaceutical ware house in Adelaide city. John had
given me a good reference of my time in his chemist
shop and I had a few from my factory jobs in New
Zealand and Australia so it helped me get a foot in
the door at the Company.
( From the next blog following this I will be referring
to Terry as Tony for personal reasons)
Woodville on the Port road and had a job in a
pharmaceutical ware house in Adelaide city. John had
given me a good reference of my time in his chemist
shop and I had a few from my factory jobs in New
Zealand and Australia so it helped me get a foot in
the door at the Company.
( From the next blog following this I will be referring
to Terry as Tony for personal reasons)
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